I'm sure by now you're familiar with Pete Santilli, the right-wing radio host, "former U.S. marine, and Coca-Cola Executive," who recently presented his extremely impressive four-point plan for shooting Hillary Clinton in the vagina.

The plan goes something like this: 1) Shoot Hillary Clinton in the vagina. 2) Look Hillary Clinton right in the eye. 3) Force Hillary Clinton, former Secretary of State, who has just been shot in the vagina, to sit there and listen to you bloviate about Benghazi and Osama and building 7 and all the paranoid false flag doodoo-nonsense you talk about with your cousin Craig on the Facebook group you two made called "Cock-a-Doodle-DON'T, Sheeple! Hillary Clinton's Vagina (More Like Hell-Are-She Spit-Scum's Va-SLIME-uh!) Was an Inside Job with Pete 'n' Craig, SocialPISSt Hunters: The Movie, Coming Sept. 11, 2014" (6 people "liked" this!). 4) Win? I guess? Profit?


Now, the problem with this whole thing — I mean, the MAIN problem (lol @ the idea that there's one problem here) — is that the world is currently, clumsily, dealing with a millennia-old epidemic of violence against women's genitals. And reducing the former Secretary of State to her junk is yet another way of reminding women that what's between our legs trumps what's between our ears every time. That's why Pete Santilli went straight for Hillary Clinton's internal sexual organs, not her brain or her heart or her guts — and why it's a more culturally significant statement (though no less brutal) than his follow-up plans to shoot President Obama in the testicles and then penis.

Here's the full statement from Pete Santilli, totally 100% stable stand-up patriot with absolutely no mental health or sexual issues whatsoever, in case you're curious:

I want to shoot her right in the vagina and I don’t want her to die right away; I want her to feel the pain and I want to look her in the eyes and I want to say, on behalf of all Americans that you’ve killed, on behalf of the Navy SEALS, the families of Navy SEAL Team Six who were involved in the fake hunt down of this Obama, Obama bin Laden thing, that whole fake scenario, because these Navy SEALS know the truth, they killed them all. On behalf of all of those people, I’m supporting our troops by saying we need to try, convict, and shoot Hillary Clinton in the vagina.

BRB, gotta go nibble Saltines and suck on a ginger-ale-soaked rag for a month.

Nausea aside, though, Santilli's words inspired an unexpected side effect in me: some real fuck-yeah Vagina Monologues girl-power shit. You want to hurt me, bro? ATTACK ME SOMEPLACE WEAK. VAGINAS ARE FUCKING BOSS.


Vaginas are strong. Entire people come out of them. You know who came out of a vagina (probably)? Hulk Hogan, Shaq, and pretty much every horse.

Vaginas take poundings and bangings and slammings and crushings AND THEY LOVE IT.

Go ahead, fire your stupid figurative rage-bullet in there. Vaginas are like, "Yawn. Is it in yet?"

Just when you're feeling safe and comfy, vaginas open up and start vomiting blood everywhere like the elevator in the Shining. Vaginas are goth.

Sure, the Fortress of Solitude might seem like a fragile, shimmering cave made of delicate ice crystals, but don't forget that FUCKING SUPERMAN LIVES THERE. (In this metaphor, Superman represents my Kevlar Diva Cup and also my indomitable moxie.)

Vaginas are ringed with row upon row of barbed, venomous quills. Pete Santilli should definitely never, ever put his penis inside of one.

Vaginas are watching you while you sleep.

Vaginas are like the Mines of Moria. Delve too greedily and too deep and you'll awaken an ancient evil.

Vaginas absorb your hate and metabolize it into lasers.

Pete Santilli is just jealous because he came out of a butt instead of a vagina. PETE SANTILLI IS A BUTT BABY AND ALSO EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET IS TRUE.