“What is the secret to winning the eternal favor of the internet?” the blogger asks, craning her body toward the wizened oracle, intent on not missing a word.
“I will tell you,” the oracle says, placing a gnarled, arthritic hand on the blogger’s shoulder. Her eyes, long lost to screen-induced eye strain, dart wildly in their sockets.
“The secret,” she croaks, “is this: Go back in time. Back, to when you were much younger. Back, before the prestigious unpaid internship. Back, before Oberlin. Back to when you were a child, when the internet was still a large metal box in some geek’s garage and ‘twitter’ was a legitimate verb.”
The blogger listens, rapt. The oracle clears her throat.
“Go back to Princess Day at dance class…do you remember Princess Day at dance class?”
The blogger nods, unsure what this has to do with SEO.
“Dress…” the oracle gasps, and for a moment, the blogger is not sure she’ll go on.
“Dress…” the oracle suddenly begins again, struggling for breath. “…not like a princess, like the others. Dress…as a hot dog.”
“It is this way, and only this way, that you shall win the the internet’s total, unadulterated love,” the oracle explains. “There will be no exceptions. For who among us does not adore a little girl dressed as a hot dog in a sea of utterly generic princesses?”
And with that, the oracle leans back on her exercise ball, closes her eyes, and dies.
(h/t the Cut)
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Still here. Still without airbrushing. Still with teeth.
