There’s a new app called Photolift which can alter your face and body with the click, toggle, and swipe of a button. You can get a more chiseled jawline and a set of abs, a swell of fresh titties and a new set of hips, because who needs integrity when a selfie with a tinier waist can collect more likes on Instagram?
Feminism is all about women doing whatever makes them feel good with little to no self-interrogation, right? Well, no, not at all, but this appears to be the more mainstream definition at the moment, so for the purposes of this exercise, let’s go with it. So—work with me here—what if some beloved fictional Boss Ass Feminist Kweens™ had snatched waists? Thanks to Photolift, that deranged idea is possible.
My colleague Clover Hope gave us a little taste of what this would look like with the Fearless Girl statue. Observe, in a matter of seconds, this symbol of, uh, fearlessness—brought to you by an advertising firm—was Fashion Nova ready:
So Rich Juzwiak and I got to work using this transformative app to imagine these Boss Ass Feminist Kweens™ with the bodies they’ve always dreamed of. Why? Because we’re living in hell, we might as well make the most of it. Turn on “Good Form” by Nicki Minaj and enjoy.
Miss Piggy, waist snatched for the gods.
Molly, the most snatched American Girl:
Daria, misanthropic teen queen of slim thicc (and big hand):
Fiona the Hippo did a lot of squats to get this body:
The mom from Berenstain Bears is letting us know that sundress season has arrived.
Lady Liberty actually said, “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to get chose.”
Judith, slayer of bad men and inventer of thick!feminism.
Lisa Simpson knows that you can have brains and bawdy.
Helga might have to appear on an episode of Botched, yes, but at least she finally got that Fashion Nova fittin’ pretty.
Anne of Green Gables is just stuntin’ on every Instagram and Twitter baddie:
Hermione Granger accio’d this ass like she was doing her NEWT practical. We stan:
Dora gassed because the thighs match, honey!
Madeline is like, “Oui, je suis that bitch.”
Peppa Pig, skinny legend from the fucking void:
A cat named Cheetoh who is chonk in the hips and skinny in the waist:
Love body positivity!