Donald Trump Plots to Destroy Showering

Donald Trump, intent on hastening the already quite imminent destruction of our planet, has now set his weasel eyes on showerheads, of all things, saying that the current requirement that only allows 2.5 gallons to flow per minute isn’t adequate to thoroughly soak his corpus. Is that really the problem, though? Or have all those years of dyeing his skin to give it that radioactive glow shellacked it into a sort of water-resistant shell? Probably the only real way to get the grime off is to dip him in a vat of hydrochloric acid and give him a good scrub with a toilet brush if any of his handlers want to try that.

As a pandemic rages on unfettered across America, Trump has the following whine, per Marketwatch:

“So showerheads—you take a shower, the water doesn’t come out. You want to wash your hands, the water doesn’t come out. So what do you do? You just stand there longer or you take a shower longer? Because my hair—I don’t know about you, but it has to be perfect. Perfect,” Trump said from the White House grounds in July.

This, of course, is a smirking way to attempt to loosen environmental restrictions. In order to appease their leader, the Department of Energy has proposed a change to the definition of a showerhead:

Since 1992, federal law has dictated that new showerheads shouldn’t pour more than 2.5 gallons of water per minute as the country moved to more efficiency and cost savings. As popularity for multiple nozzles inside a single shower became trendy, the Obama administration defined the showerhead restrictions to apply to what comes out in total. So if there are four nozzles, no more than 2.5 gallons total should flow between all four.

The new proposal would allow not just the whole device, but each nozzle to spray up to 2.5 gallons per minute. Obviously, this has nothing to do with Trump’s disgusting hair, and everything to do with his hatred of Obama-era regulations and pandering to energy CEOs.

Obviously, no one besides Trump takes any issue with their showerheads.

“There is absolutely no need to change current showerhead standards,” David Friedman, vice president of advocacy at Consumer Reports, said in a statement to The Hill. “Thanks to the standards, consumers have access to showerheads that not only score well on [Consumer Reports] tests and achieve high levels of customer satisfaction but also save consumers money by reducing energy and water consumption.”

In fact, such standards save consumers around $500 per year on energy bills, said Andrew deLaski, executive director of the energy conservation group Appliance Standards Awareness Project.

“The new plan is a gimmick in search of a problem. Complaints about inadequate showerheads were frequent decades ago, immortalized in a 1996 Seinfeld episode,” he said. “But for many years now, we’ve had a fix for poorly performing models, one that requires no action by the Trump administration.”