Donald Trump Makes a Video Assuring Everybody Everything's Fine [Nervous Laughter]

Screenshot via.
Screenshot via.

Donald Trump, your president-elect and a moldy Nerf ball hurled directly into the nation’s testicles, hasn’t tweeted since yesterday, after an insane multi-day rant about Saturday Night Live, Hamilton, disrespect and why everybody is so mean. He’s clearly lost his phone privileges again, but someone did prop him up in front of a camera to make a video about how great the transition process is going.


As has become clear, the transition is, in fact, an almost unfathomable nightmare: first Trump was reportedly unaware of a lot of the things he had to do as president, then he got to work appointing a series of racist Benghazi-obsessed shitheels and treating the whole thing like reality TV. It’s all playing out in the highest floors of Trump Tower, while an army of screaming protesters march outside the doors and in cities across the country.

Someone — probably Kellyanne Conway or Steve Bannon— seemingly realized how terrible this is all looking, and decided to make a video.

“Our transition team is working very smoothly, efficiently and effectively,” Trump lied, unconvincingly. “Truly great and talented men and women, patriots indeed, are being brought in, and many will soon be a part of our government, helping us to make America great again.”

The video focuses on Trump’s planned executive actions; that is, the things he can do unilaterally without the cooperation of Congress. (The Times has a handy graph of what he can and cannot do without their help.) Among other things, Trump promised to pull out of the Trans Pacific Partnership within his first 100 days in office. He also said he would lift regulations on producing shale gas, which has devastating impacts on air and water quality, and “clean coal,” which is not a real thing. And he promised to direct the Department of Labor to investigate “all abuses of visa programs that undercut the American worker,” seemingly forgetting that Melania Trump has been accused of (and denied) lying about her visa status to work illegally in the United States in the ‘90s. (The Associated Press found evidence in early November that Melania Trump did, in fact, work in the United States prior to getting a visa, which is illegal.)

Trump’s face has been contoured in a violently competing shades of orange, in a way that is impossible to stop thinking about. It’s chilling, still, even after a few days, to see his perfectly round sphincter of a mouth spewing promises about what he’ll do as president. Each day it becomes a little more real, and yet somehow our nausea won’t quite go away.

Anna Merlan was a Senior Reporter at G/O Media until September 2019. She's the author of Republic of Lies: American Conspiracy Theorists and Their Surprising Rise to Power.



I still literally cannot believe this man is our next president.