Donald and Melania Trump Enjoy Romantic, Stimulating Dinners That Last for 'Hours, Literally'

President Trump and First Lady Melania Trump aren’t just making out during lavish dinners at Mar-a-Lago; they’re allegedly having deep, stimulating conversation, too. For hours and hours and hours, in what sounds a lot like punishment.

With the help of Laurence Leamer, fawning author of Mar-a-Lago: Inside the Gates of Power at Donald Trump’s Presidential Palace, CNN compiled a composite of Melania’s life as a bit of a recluse at the family’s Florida get away. According to Leamer, her days aren’t filled with extravagant shopping trips but other forms of “self-care,” because apparently Melania’s not like other exorbitantly wealthy conservative women of Palm Beach! And when she’s not alone, instead joined by the president, the two spend long hours eating by themselves in the Mar-a-Lago dining room for all to see, like their own personal muckbang:

“What married couple spends three hours together alone at dinner?” Leamer, who has observed the Trumps on several occasions rhetorically asked. “They’re there so long, other people are leaving and they’re just … there. They dine for hours. He likes a small table, a four-person table, so people can come over to say ‘hello’ but there’s not enough room to invite people to join.”

Okay, so they like to be seen. What else can we glean from this?

Oh:

Though she may not eat Trump’s favored blackened steaks and burgers or meatloaf, she keeps her tastes simple and healthy.

Melania Trump does, however, oversee menus for bigger family events, including Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas. But for dinners à deux, the focus is on the conversation, not the cuisine.

“Those two will go and sit at dinner, and they are in the most in-depth conversations, and will talk and sit there for hours, literally,” a White House official told CNN, confirming Leamer’s account of the first couple’s habits.

But what could they possibly be having in-depth conversations about? Ivanka Trump’s attempted power grabs? Spaghetti? Jared Kushner’s pecs? Donald Trump Jr.’s beard? The options are, truly, endless. Endlessly grim, but endless nevertheless.