Doing the Dishes for Blow Jobs, and Other Domestic Fallacies

“Choreplay,” as defined in the Urban Dictionary, is “when a woman is turned on by the sight of her husband/boyfriend/partner doing regular household chores that she would normally be doing.” Okay, yeah: I love watching my husband make an effort around the house. But there’s a big difference between wanting to give a sexy reward and your partner actually expecting it.

Sheryl Sandberg’s newest Lean In spin-off campaign is called #LeanInTogether; it’s more or less aimed at those people who, when it comes to household responsibilities, seem to think their partner is the help. Common sense dictates that when two people share a home together, they both need to hold up their end of the cohabitation agreement and keep their messes under control.

As Jessica Valenti writes at the Guardian:

Leaving the unfortunate coinage of “choreplay“, do we really want to live in a world where men are only cleaning up around the house to get some? In a New York Times op-ed touting the new campaign, Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant tell the story of a woman who asked her husband to do the laundry. They write, “He picked up the basket and asked hopefully, ‘Is this Lean In laundry?'” I understand that the anecdote is meant to be charming, but in a culture where men are already taught to feel entitled to women sexually, I don’t find it cute in the least.

Reading that “Lean In laundry” line, I’ve already formulated a seething response in my head: Think Syleena Johnson’s “Guess What” and you’ll know a bit about the quiet fire I’ve continually got burning in my belly.

As Chris Rock said long ago, you don’t get a prize for doing what you’re supposed to do.

Look, I get that my husband and I aren’t technically roommates, but in practical terms, it’s a fair way to describe how we share our living quarters. If you lived with someone who didn’t pull their weight, wouldn’t you start looking for another roomie? And, conversely, if the roomie did pull their weight, would you suddenly want to give them head? Probably not.*

Maybe #LeanInTogether would be more palatable without the “choreplay” nonsense. Keep it straightforward: Everyone just carry their weight. Live in a home that doesn’t attract the producers of Hoarders. Be a team and have sex at your leisure.

*That said, it’s not like I’m going stop my husband from going down on me if he particularly likes whatever I make for dinner.