Dogs at Weddings Possibly Eliminate Need for Annoying Human Guests

I remember, as a small child, watching at my dog going about his daily business with a small twinge of jealousy. “Dogs are so lucky,” I thought. “They don’t have to worry about anything and they have fun all the time.” The passage of time has only confirmed my belief. Dogs don’t have to go to work. Dogs aren’t subject to the oppressive whims of patriarchy. Dogs are obsessed with poop, and poop is everywhere. Dogs are allowed to go to happy hour, to yoga, and on trains. And now, according to the New York Post, dogs are increasingly honored guests at weddings, where dogs look cuter in formal wear and have more fun than you.

How do we know that wedding dogs are a thing? Because there is now a coffee table book about it. It’s called Wedding Dogs, and it features pictures and stories of dog-loving brides and grooms. Katie Preston Toepfer, the book’s author, was apparently inspired to create the volume after seeing a photo of her parents’ own wedding day — at which “the best man was a Labrador, and the maid of honor a Dalmatian.”

To any nay-sayers out there who would allege that it’s the province of human beings to fill these roles: remember that dogs can be supportive of your blossoming love in a way that none of your human companions can’t. For example, according to one couple interviewed for Wedding Dogs, their miniature schnauzer was so ecstatically happy on their wedding day that “she peed when she saw her owners in their finery just before the ceremony.” I cannot name a SINGLE one of my friends who has ever peed, or would ever pee, upon seeing me clad in finery. You guys are the worst.

Just one look at this “dogs in weddings” Pinterest page will show you how happy everyone is to have some canines involved. It will also send you through a tumultuous storm of emotions — especially this one picture of a dog with a fucking pink manicure piling its paw on top of a pair of newly-engaged hands. I felt so much emotion at once (horror, awe, surprise, admiration, terror, disgust, confusion, etc.) that I nearly started dry-heaving at my desk. Dogs at weddings are at least 100x more compelling than humans at weddings.

Maybe one bright day in the future all nuptials will take place in front of a sea of formal wear-clad puppies, to be viewed by both partners’ families and friends on Pinterest a few days later. Until then, we have this picture.