Let me cut you off before it starts in the comments: yes, I know King Kong is an ape, not a monkey. Similarly, Tom Hiddleston is an actor, not a person—so don’t pretend like he ever been in the ocean with one of the world’s most famous musicians while wearing a tank top that said “I <3 T.S.” on it!
Here’s what happened when a reporter from The Telegraph asked Tom if he had “regrets” about his brief fling with Taylor Swift during an interview to promote Kong: Skull Island:
“What should I regret, in your mind?” he shoots back, testily. Then: “I would rather not talk about this if that’s alright.” Then a long pause, with his hand on his chin. “I’m just thinking about this,” he says after a pause. Then: “Everyone is entitled to a private life. I love what I do and I dedicate myself with absolute commitment to making great art and great entertainment and in my mind I don’t conflict the two. My work is in the public sphere and I have a private life. And those two things are separate.”
Bobby puts his hand on his chin. “I’m just thinking about this,” he says after a pause. Then: “I wonder how many times Tom Hiddleston has placed his hand on his chin and said, ‘I’m just thinking about this.’”
Nick Cannon is a vlogger now, and his first eight minute long entry proves he is a genuine master of the form. Unfortunately, it’s the worst art form on planet earth, so that means his video is one of the more insufferable things I’ve sat through since La La Land.
If you’re feeling brave, watch the entire thing here. If not, just read this bit. Transcribing it was harrowing.
People think I’m crazy…tell me shit I don’t know! … They call me crazy because I turned down millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and millions and fucking millions and of dollars. I am moving on to bigger and better things! Like my mix tape!
[record scratch SFX + self deprecating rant about how mix tapes are embarrassing but his is “gon’ be fire” regardless]
To be brilliant, to be genius, to change the world, you have to be crazy. You know who else is crazy? Albert Einstein! … Martin Luther King Jr.! [rant about J. Edgar Hoover] Remy Ma went crazy! [rant about Remy Ma]
After going on and on about how he’s sick of people joking about his last name in rap lyrics, he says, “I should fuck Miley Cyrus.” Why? Who knows. Cannon then ends the video because he has “to go be an adult” and “run businesses.” But in true YouTube fashion, he doesn’t depart before telling us to subscribe.
