Donald Trump Moonlights As a DJ Now

You know what feels a whole lot better to me than Donald Trump being in possession of the nuclear codes, commanding the U.S. military, pulling the country out of the Paris Climate Accord and trying to purchase Greenland? Donald Trump sitting at his own members-only Florida country club on Thursday nights, slathering ketchup on his burnt-ass steak, and playing “Memory” from the musical Cats, surrounded by friends and fans.

Page Six reported Friday that Mar-a-Lago guests have been making sure they show up for dinner on Thursdays, because that’s when Trump takes over the tunes. An “insider” told the outlet that the former president is “on an iPad—usually from his table—so he eats and plays. He loves the ’80s and Broadway tunes—like ‘Phantom of the Opera’—and Celine Dion, ‘Titanic.’ ” (I think they mean “My Heart Will Go On,” but I’ll let this source slide.) The insider added that Trump also “works the room for votes” during these DJ gigs, so the odds of him happily floating out into old-man-country-club-DJ-land and leaving us all alone are unfortunately not looking too good.

This report is especially amusing because it recalls a hilarious bit of Trump gossip from former White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham’s 2021 book, I’ll Take Your Questions Now. Grisham wrote that the Trump White House had a designated “Music Man” on staff who would play show tunes for Trump—she also specifically mentioned “Memory” from Cats—to “keep him from flying off the handle.” Politico reported that the aide in charge of music therapy was Max Miller, Grisham’s ex. More from Insider:

Trump liked calling Miller “The Music Man,” mainly because “he could kind of hum a couple bars of a song, and Max would know what it was, or be able to find out in a very short period of time,” a person who worked with them in the White House told Politico.

The report said Miller’s talents came in handy when Trump was in a bad mood; one person who worked for Trump and whom Miller reported to told Politico that “it’d be a good time to have Max come by” when Trump was unhappy, so he could “check on the order of songs or something.”

It stands to reason, then, that instead of running for president again—a job that clearly stresses Trump out because he doesn’t have any clue how to do it—he should lean into doing what he loves, which is playing and listening to schmaltzy music. If this man is never actually going to be in jail for his various crimes, the next best thing is for him just to stay put in that soothing, Groundhogs Day-style time loop, utterly content with his Thursday night DJ gigs and unable to fuck up geopolitics. DJ Donnie on the Ones and Twos!