Dispatch From Philadelphia: Would You Have Sex With Tim Kaine?

Image via Associated Press.
Image via Associated Press.

PHILADELPHIA—I was trailing a herd of dehydrated socialists down Arch Street when it was brought to my attention, via the group messaging app Slack, that Tim Kaine used to be really hot.


Well hello, 1987! Tim Kaine, solid and uninspiring Democratic Vice Presidential candidate, was at one point a real dreamboat. Who would have ever, ever guessed?

Would you have sex with a young Tim Kaine? Would you have sex with the Tim Kaine of today? Let’s see what my colleagues have to say:

Joanna Rothkopf: I am a deep yes.

Joanna: An unflinching yes.

Bobby Finger: Yes I would.

Ashley Feinberg: Yes.

Sophie Kleeman: Ya.

Emma Carmichael: Yeah.

Aimee Lutkin: Yes, but I’d fuck him as he is now so I’d feel more comfortable with my weird body.

Joanna: Young, yes, old, yes, because my type is presidential.

Bobby: I Kaine’t believe how horny everyone is for him.

Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: I would not fuck either Tim Kaine.

Ashley: At the same time?

Ashley: I’d do it at the same time.

Aimee: At the same time, definitely.

Kelly Stout: Hard yes on young.

Madeleine Davies: Young=would, old=for money and gifts.

Anna Merlan: Old Tim Kaine only if it would mean Trump would lose somehow.

Kara Brown: Neither.

Joanna: Okay wait. Young—yes, anytime. Old—only in the capitol. That’s my real answer.


Joanna: Is his office in the capitol?

Bobby: He looks sort of like Ted Bundy.

Bobby: Which is odd, sort of, until you remember that Ted Bundy was hot.

Your vote matters!

Ellie is a freelance writer and former senior writer at Jezebel. She is pursuing a master's degree in science journalism at Columbia University in the fall.



He looks like one of those guys who screws like he’s doing the most, but he’s okay, but not the greatest. But he’s nice, so you let him finish, and he turns and smiles at you. And you smile back. And you know you won’t completely cut him off, you’ll text him back because he loves pleasing you and your areas and his credit score is great, but he’s not going to stop you from flirting with the hot waiter at Olive Garden.