Disneyland Is More Hellishly Overcrowded Than Ever

Disneyland is currently so massively packed that, according to experts, either ticket prices go through the stratosphere, or the company adds another park. Or the happiest place on Earth becomes progressively more 28 Days Later-like. Doesn’t that sound like FUN?!?!

“Duh,” you’re saying. But it’s even worse than whatever you’re picturing! (Unless you are picturing Hieronymus Bosch with mouse ears.) According to the L.A. Times, visitors often have to park in the damn boonies and waits for rides can take an hour. (Hence people getting creatively unethical.) When it’s all said and done, attendance might be up as much 25 percent for the year. According to industry analysts, visitors have ballooned from 13.4 million annually in 2004 to 15,963,000 in 2012.

Faced with, clearly, a shitload of demand, Disneyland just upped ticket prices to $96. ($96!!!) In 2004, tickets were $49.75. They could keep upping the ante, which ought to drive off some visitors. (Though you never know with Disney obsessives.) Some devotees are hoping the crush will inspire the company to revive old plans for a third park.

One step the park has already taken: Suspending sales of a pass specifically for Southern California locals. It cost $379 and offered broad, nearly year-round access to the park. (Disney’s still selling a version, but it’s weekdays only.) According to the CEO of “MousePlanet.com,” if you’ve got a pass, “You go to the park like you would go to hang out at the mall with your friends.”

So imagine the most crowded mall in your hometown, crossed with Times Square, seasoned with some Coney Island and a dash of Black Friday. But with a bunch of kids singing their favorite tunes from Frozen.

I’m beginning to understand why every request for a trip to Disney as a kid was meet with a “LOL NOPE” from my parents. As an adult I cannot imagine anything more frazzling than ushering a small child through thousands upon thousands of sugared-up toddlers pleading to see Goofy. I’m scared, is my point. Very scared.