Did Senator Rand Paul Actually Get the Shit Beaten Out of Him Over a Landscaping Dispute?

By Ellie Shechet | November 7, 2017 | 4:00pm

Politics

The curious case of Sen. Rand Paul’s out-of-nowhere assault by his Bowling Green, Kentucky neighbor Rene Boucher has become far curiouser with reports that the dispute may have been over a landscaping skirmish. A New York Times report lists “stray yard clippings, newly planted saplings and unraked leaves”—!!!—as competing explanations given as to why a Senator was violently attacked by his neighbor in their gated community while he was stepping off a riding lawn mower.

I mean, maybe a U.S. senator literally did get his ribs broken over a set of offensively-placed saplings, but until that’s proven I’ll maintain that this story has as many holes as Rand Paul’s favorite weekend khakis, and as such it will likely continue to garner scrutiny from writers, reporters, and Jezebel bloggers who are relieved at the opportunity to briefly ponder the mysterious Bowling Green flora fracas of 2017 instead of the other stuff that is happening currently.

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Other possible explanations being considered include a contested property line and the possibility that political differences may have had something to do with Boucher’s decision to tackle his neighbor—Boucher is a Democrat, while Paul golfs with President Trump. The pair, who have been neighbors for 17 years, “worked together when they were both practicing physicians,” Boucher’s lawyer told NBC. NBC reports that the two men had not spoken in several years, while, perhaps conversely, a neighbor told the Washington Post that the two “had been known to have ‘heated discussions’ about health care.”

Boucher’s lawyer disputed that the attack was politics-related, telling the Times:

The incident “has absolutely nothing to do with either’s politics or political agendas,” Mr. Baker said in a statement on Monday. “It was a very regrettable dispute between two neighbors over a matter that most people would regard as trivial.”

WHAT WAS IT, THEN, MR. BAKER?!?!

It does seem like Rand Paul isn’t a particularly chill neighbor—who would have ever thought?—although if you tackle someone from behind while they’re dismounting a lawn mower, you’re automatically gonna lose that argument.

“They just couldn’t get along. I think it had very little to do with Democrat or Republican politics,” one member of their gated community told the Times. “I think it was a neighbor-to-neighbor thing. They just both had strong opinions, and a little different ones about what property rights mean.” He added that Paul “certainly believes in stronger property rights than exist in America.”

What… does Rand Paul do in his yard, exactly? Another thing to think about while you try to fall asleep tonight.

Boucher was charged with fourth-degree assault, but charges may be upgraded due to the severity of Sen. Paul’s injuries, the Times reports. Paul has provided a relatively muted response to these injuries—five broken ribs, including three displaced fractures, and bruises to his lungs—with three Kentucky Republicans anonymously informing the Times that the Senator was “embarrassed” by the incident.

The mystery deepens.