Did I Just Cry at a Real Housewives Vow Renewal?

Image via Bravo.
Image via Bravo.

As any casual fan of the Real Housewives franchise can tell you, a vow renewal is the kiss of death to most marriages featured on the show. Vicki and Donn, Ramona and Mario, Peter and Cynthia, and more have all renewed their vows on air. They’ve also all gotten divorced.

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But I mean it when I say that I hope for better with Shannon and David Beador, the Real Housewives of Orange County couple who—after a traumatic cheating scandal (and a ruined USC game)—have seemed to rebuild their marriage and respect for one another from the ground-up. On Monday night’s episode, the pair renewed their vows and now I’m praying to the lord above (Andy Cohen) that they keep making it work.

It was a beautiful occasion. David whisked Shannon off to celebrate her birthday (making up for failed birthday celebrations of the past), taking her to the resort where she got married and surprising her with all her friends.

“I was really excited to do this for you,” Heather told her in her Heather-y way, somehow managing to take full credit for all of David’s work as Terry flexed nearby in a too-tight leather motorcycle jacket. (Take a moment to imagine Terry Dubrow on an actual motorcycle.) Flipping Out’s Jeff Lewis was also there, openly sneering at Heather the whole time and it. was. beautiful.

Now, if that didn’t set the scene of romance for you, just you wait because next out of his bag of surprises, David pulled out the dreaded vow renewal—only this time it was, dare I say, really goddamn sweet. The couple’s daughters were there, David gave a cute speech, Shannon wept the whole time, only stopping to complain with a simple “I just wish I had my makeup done” (FAIR), and—oh, no—were those tears in my eyes? They certainly were. I don’t know, I guess I’m just really happy that Shannon—as she kept loudly announcing—got that bikini wax that morning.

It helped, of course, that Vicki and Kelly, the two gremlins of the O.C., were not invited—instead having to huddle together at the least fun looking dinner that I’ve ever witnessed, including the meal where my parents told us that we had to put the family dog down. (At least our dying dog could handle a jalapeño martini every now and then.)

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“I feel like I’m something of a mentor to her,” Vicki—terrifyingly—said of Kelly in her confessional. “I just want her to be aware that these women do not. forget. a thing.”

Yes, it’s a real shame that none of the rest of the woman are willing to forget that Vicki let her boyfriend lie about having cancer because she wanted sympathy. Those bitches sure can hold a petty grudge!

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Anyway, congrats to Shannon and David. While one unholy union (Vicki and Kelly) grew stronger, the Beadors’ love—and Shannon’s freshly tamed muff—will keep us afloat.

DISCUSSION

By
Diosabella

Let me lead with this: I will continue to watch OC, just like I continue to watch Atlanta and NJ. I am shameless.

That said, allow me to list for you all of the people they could cut from this show and I wouldn’t care:

1: Tamra. Oh my god, just go fuck your weirdly Christian but obviously into you trainer already. Shut up about the Jesus. Shut up about your idiot son. Show more of your hot husband with his shirt off (but without talking, please, because he’s kind of a dick).

2: Vicki is literally the fucking worst. The victim complex is unreal, especially when IT FUCKING WAS ON CAMERA THAT SHE LIED. What kind of insane-Trump level stupid do you have to be to stick to your lie after you got caught on film, admitting it in your own words?

2a: Brianna. Look, I know it’s not her fault because she was raised by a goddamned bucket of crazy, but Brianna is actually insufferable, too. You knew your mom was a piece of shit when you agreed to move away from your husband, but you did because you wanted a free house in one of the most expensive housing markets in the country. Suck it up, buttercup. Mommy isn’t buying you a house in Bakersfield, she’s buying you one in the OC. Deal with it.

3: Meghan’s “fertility” plot line is actually making me grind my teeth. Meghan isn’t infertile and either is her fucking husband— he voluntarily got his dick snipped. That’s not infertility in any accepted sense of the condition. Yes, you have to insemenate yourself with his frozen baby batter. That’s what happens when your husband neuters himself and later decides he wants more kids. That’s how this works. Meghan dramatically comparing her struggle to actual infertile women is making me want to punch a fucking tv screen. I don’t care. No one cares.

4: Kelly is that kind of awkward crazy where like, something is actually wrong with her. This is not the fun kind of crazy to watch.

Shannon is annoying in a lot of ways, but I’m liking her a lot more now that the whole cheating story line is going away. If this were the Office, she’d be Jim, giving confused yet knowing glances to the camera about the absurdity going on. Heather is my queen, even with her whining about how hard it is to be really rich.