If Campaign Fundraising Emails Were Sent by My Friends, I’d Call the Authorities

To borrow a phrase from a Democratic fundraising email subject line I recently received, “I won’t lie to you: Things are bad.”

The elections on Tuesday are extremely important—abortion is literally on the ballot in five states, and much of the other matters at stake are life or death issues. That being said, candidates cramming our inboxes with over a dozen increasingly desperate emails every day with subject lines like “please read this before IT’S TOO LATE!!” cannot possibly be helping their cause.

If these email writers were my friends—and for what it’s worth, these emails are begging me to think of the candidates they’re writing on behalf of as my friends—I would be on the phone with the authorities asking for a wellness check.

Around this time last year, Jezebel wrote about how horny candidate emails have gotten. “We’re basically just trying to get as personal and urgent as possible,” a campaign email writer going by the name Amy told Jezebel at the time. However—and it brings me no pleasure to say this—I believe they have found new depths of bizarro urgency on the brink of the midterms. I must assume that this tactic is effective at raising money, but to say it in their language: I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!

The threat of a federal abortion ban; soon-to-be-inevitable climate doom; the rapidly increasing demonization of LGBTQ+ people; hell, even hearing Mitch McConnell garble already raise my blood pressure to concerning levels. I’m well aware of the peril of Democrats not winning this election. I just wonder if they could write email campaigns that don’t read like my middle school Xanga post titles. In fact, I feel like the un-seriousness with which I read these emails does a disservice to hitting home just how significant the outcome of this election is.

I already cast an early ballot in the state of New York, and I cannot vote for 99% of the candidates pleading with me to save them from a burning house. Plus, I’m a blogger at a media company—which means it is both unethical and financially irresponsible for me to donate whenever I get one of these emails.

So let me be frank: I’m also at my wit’s end when it comes to these emails. This is not a healthy way to correspond with your donors!

I desperately wish all of these candidates the best. Truly. I do not want to live in an America where their opponents control any branch of government. But I look forward to the brief moment of silence in my inbox after polls close on Tuesday evening—before the Democratic National Committee starts emailing me Wednesday afternoon about 2024.