December Madness: The Unsweet 16 Continues

As Christmas approaches, so too do we approach finding which holiday tune is the most terrible. Let your too-small heart shrink three more sizes and bury yourself with a sprig of holly in your heart and these terrible songs in your ears: Unsweet Sixteen voting continues right now.

Click above to enlarge, or go here for a printable version of the original bracket.

Yesterday’s matchups got heated, but one thing is clear: you guys really hate “The Christmas Shoes.” It was deemed worse than its “Silent Night” competition by about an 80-something percentage point margin. Other winners (or losers, since winning this competition means “most hated”) from yesterday: “All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth” takes down “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in spite of the fact that the video that was posted with the song featured Jessica Simpson at her most embarrassing and sexydesperatemanic. “Toyland” out sucked “Jingle Bell Rock,” and “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” pummeled “Winter Wonderland.”

But today we’ve got to tackle the other side of the bracket, and hot toddies is today’s contest going to be a doozy.

“Frosty the Snowman” vs. “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”

“Frosty” is a jolly secular winter song about imaginary friends, climate change, and fear of parental abandonment. “Grandma” is an upbeat ode to the cultural attitude that the elderly are disposable and that pain is funny; the musical equivalent of a rapping granny being tortured in a Saw movie. Isn’t all this death fun and festive?!

“Little Drummer Boy” vs. “Feliz Navidad”

Both of these songs occupy an unenviable niche in the Holiday canon: they’re both musically repetitive, and they both tackle the most boring of subjects. It’s almost as though they were designed to be sung by people who can’t sing or memorize things very well. The adventures of Anthony Kiedis, age 5.

“Wonderful Christmas Time” vs. “Merry Christmas Darling”

Karen Carpenter and Paul McCartney respectively try to ruin Christmas.

“Santa Claus is Coming to Town” vs. “Hark the Herald Angels Sing”

Warning, kiddos: Santa’s watching you and if you’re bad, Lord help your soul. This song is 100% responsible for my childhood fear of Santa’s elfen spies. I found Santa to be even more terrifying than the idea of God. And I was raised Catholic. The second song is gorgeous, in theory, but it’s been abused to within an inch of its life by people who use too many arm gestures when they sing.