December Madness: The Tournament To Crown The Worst Christmas Song Ever Marches On

Yesterday, we asked you to help us in our search for the Worst Christmas Song of All, and you responded with heartwarming haterade. Now, we’ve got a whole new set of abominable earworms upon which you may pass judgment. Let’s join hands, raise our voices, and declare which of the terrible Christmas songs is truly the Worst Ever. Herewith, the definitive tournament. Day two.

Click above to enlarge, or go here for a printable version of the original bracket.

The search will span from now until the week before Christmas and consists of 30 first round selections pitted against each other in a single elimination tournament. Yesterday’s batch of highly seeded musical abortions sailed through to the second round without a sweat; you hate “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth,” “Toyland,” and “Jingle Bell Rock” as much as the nominating committee did.

But we’re not done. Voting on this next set of songs begins now and ends at noon tomorrow. And now, on to Round 1, Bracket 2. Who’s up for the suck title today?

“Baby It’s Cold Outside” vs. “Frosty the Snowman”

Nothing says “Christmas spirit” like a guy who won’t take “no” for an answer and possibly drugs you without your knowledge. That’s why “Baby It’s Cold Outside” aka “Ode To A Midwinter’s Date Rape” occupies the powerful first seed position in this bracket. One need only listen to the lyrics of the disturbingly whimsical duet to see what’s wrong with this picture: a man is trying to seduce a woman, but failing, but he continues to try to convince her to stay at his house and presumably take her pants off. Sir, inclement weather is no excuse for not respecting sexual boundaries! But baritone Sir Creeps A Lot is challenged by the tale of one anthropomorphized pile of precipitation and his eventual jolly suicide. At the beginning of the song, Frosty’s all, “Hey kids! I’m your magical friend!” and is “alive as he can be,” but by the end of the song, he’s all, “BRB, killing self,” and he dies. Or, as the song says, “he waved goodbye, saying ‘Don’t you cry! I’ll be back again someday.'” You’re a dick, Frosty. Now these kids are going to have daddy issues about snow.

“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” vs. “Nuttin’ For Christmas”

Singing about how a beloved holiday icon’s animal assistant killed your blood relative is hardly my idea of holiday joy, but “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” attempts to make it so. Sorry, kid, but “Santa’s real; he killed my grandmother” is not a convincing argument in favor of the existence of anything except your profound need to speak to a mental health professional. Challenging the second highest seed in this bracket is the seventh seed, the bratty, dissonant “Nuttin’ for Christmas.” You know the sort of kid who was raised to think that acting like a jerk is cute? The kind of person who grows up to have children they bring to bars and then when the kids spill strangers’ drinks, they laugh with delight because isn’t this fun for everyone? This is who I imagine is behind this song. As the bratty brunch baby bringers are irritating, so too is this song.

“Little Drummer Boy” vs. “Do You Hear What I Hear?”

Two very different stories told in song lead to the same end result: preachy religious dirges that lend themselves well to oversinging and grandiose hand gestures. The third seed in today’s bracket is “Little Drummer Boy” the long, arduous tale of one boy’s nonsensical quest to play drums in front of a baby. It’s repetitive, it’s weird, and it’s no coincidence that “Parum-pa-pum-pum” and “Please shut the fuck up” follow about the same cadence. But don’t underestimate its competition— “Do You Hear What I Hear?” really brings the Preach with a yo-yo melody and a commanding king demanding expensive gifts for some kid.

“Mele Kalikimaka” vs. “Feliz Navidad”

These two foreign language selections prove that shitty Christmas music is the universal language.

Now, without further ado, let’s get the holiday party started. Vote early, vote often, and tell your friends.