December Madness: The Tournament To Crown The Worst Christmas Song Ever

The holidays are a wonderful time, filled with hot chocolate and hugs and TV commercials that attempt to link the idea of familial love with the idea of buying things. It is also the time when radio stations assault their listeners with an unending holiday playlist. Ears bleed, praying for death. And we’ve had enough it. It’s about time we stood up against the tyranny of the 1% of Christmas songs inflicting pain on 99% of people who would rather listen to a John Mayer ringtone on repeat. Let’s join hands, raise our voices, and declare which of the terrible Christmas songs is truly the Worst Ever. Herewith, the definitive tournament. Your votes will determine which song takes home the crappy crown.

Click above to enlarge, or go here for a printable version of the bracket.

The search will span from now until the week before Christmas and consists of 30 first round selections pitted against each other in a single elimination tournament. All 30 songs have been seeded based on the general level of hatred expressed toward them in an informal survey of friends, the Jezebel staff, and opinionated family members. Two of the top-seeded songs were deemed so terrible by the nominating committee that they face no competition in the first round. Each day this week, you’ll be presented with a new set of songs upon which to hate. Voting begins now and ends at noon on the day after a selection of songs is posted. And now, on to Round 1, Bracket 1. Before we get to voting, let’s look at our competitors.

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” vs. “Santa Baby”

This bracket’s led by the squick power of two songs that give even the most sexually progressive pause. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”, sitting in the powerful position of first seed, is challenged by the 8 seed, “Santa Baby”. Both fill children’s heads with images of Santa making out with their mom or going out on dates with gold diggers who probably call their lovers “Daddy.” Santafucking is definitely a holiday faux pas.

“I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” vs. “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth”

The second pair pits two songs about kids asking for stupid presents with feigned speech impediments and everything thinking that it’s terribly cute. “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” makes me question my desire to reproduce, because seriously, what the fuck, Shirley Temple? Meanwhile, the 7 seed challenger, “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” has been delighting Lawrence Welk audiences for over a generation. And I mean that in the worst possible way.

“My Favorite Things” vs. “Toyland”

Next, two songs that somewhere, someone decided are Christmas songs but are totally not Christmassy at all. “My Favorite Things”, as sung by Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music? About kids who are afraid of a rainstorm in Austria. Unbeknownst to them, they’ll soon be chased into Switzerland by Nazis. Dog bites and bee stings don’t seem so bad now, do they Von Trapps? Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens are challenged by another seasonally inappropriate ditty, “Toyland”. Even though Toyland was initially penned as part of Babes in Toyland which is technically about Christmas, it still heightens the stabbiness levels in many. We can all agree that Christmas has been almost thoroughly secularized, but it seems dirty to admit that the whole thing is just about buying crap. Right?

“Jingle Bell Rock” vs. “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”

And finally, rounding out our first day of competition is two songs that contain the word “rock” in the title but that decidedly do not rock. “Jingle Bell Rock” grabs the 4 seed, edging 5 seed “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” only because people who have taken on the singing of the latter have managed to sound less bored.

Now, without further ado, let’s get the holiday party started. Cast your votes below; polls close tomorrow at 12pm EST.