December Madness: Journey To The Worst Christmas Song Ever

Last week, we asked for your help in our search for the shittiest ditty currently filling us with Christmas Sneer. Before we move on to the second round of voting, we’ve got a new bracket full of new Jingle Hells for you to vote on. Onward and downward!

Click above to enlarge, or go here for a printable version of the bracket.

Our trip down the rabbit hole began last week and will continue until the week before Christmas, where we’ll decide on which of the terrible Christmas songs deserves the title of Worst Ever. Last Friday, you determined that “The Christmas Shoes” is worse than the sound of your own untimely death, “Winter Wonderland” is worse than “Let it Snow,” “Do They Know It’s Christmas” is worse than “Happy XMas (War is Over)” and, shocker of shockers, that “Silent Night” is worse than “Carol of the Bells.” But there are seven new songs eagerly awaiting your opinion, so let’s move on to the end of the first round of voting— Round 1, Bracket 4.

“Wonderful Christmas Time” vs Bye

What is it about former members of The Beatles that makes them so adept at crafting truly fucking awful holiday songs? Even though John Lennon’s “Happy XMas (War is Over)” was knocked out in the first round, the sound of its preachy, self important strains still fills many otherwise merry holidaygoers with a desire to give everyone on their gift list a shiny new landmine. Paul McCartney’s abysmal “Wonderful Christmas Time” isn’t much better. It sounds like how it feels to be overcaffeinated and light headed in the middle of a Macy’s Black Friday sale after being awake for 24 hours. It’s manic, stupid, and overstimulating while simultaneously leaving the listener wondering if anything at all has meaning. If Ringo Starr ever made a Christmas song, we are all doomed.

“Merry Christmas Darling” vs. “Last Christmas”

Neither one of these songs makes any goddamn sense. “The logs on the fire fill me with desire.” Really,, Karen Carpenter? And don’t even get me started with you, George Michael. What sort of person decides that Christmas is a great time to start a relationship? And who has time the next day to immediately cheat on their mysterious Yuletide paramour? Hearts are an inappropriate Christmas gift, and I understand why your lover regifted.

“Santa Claus is Coming to Town” vs. “It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year”

These songs aren’t all bad. In fact, portions of these tunes are downright heartwarming. Except for the part in “Santa Claus is Coming to Town that makes Santa Claus sound like a combination between Kim Jong Il and Mark Wahlberg’s character from Fear. I better not pout or cry? He sees me when I’m sleeping and when I’m awake? Does he also carve my name into his chest? “It’s The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” is less weird, but not by much. Thinking about mistletoeing and hearts glowing is nice, but the song loses me when it starts talking about telling scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago. The lyrics make Christmas sound like an annual showcase of bravery and valor, and also Oujia.

“Hark, The Herald Angels Sing” vs “O Holy Night”

I fought against the inclusion of “O Holy Night” in this bracket, because it has the potential to be a beautiful song. Except both of these songs are perennially abused by the world’s most shameless oversingers that have trilled and descanted them into ear splitting oblivion. This is why we can’t have nice things, Christina Aguilera.

Now, without further ado, let’s get the holiday party started. Cast your votes below; polls close tomorrow at 12pm EST.