Dead Lobster

Image via Shutterstock
Image via Shutterstock

In a bit of news that’s making my eyes well up and my mouth water, Larry, the lobster who avoided being boiled and dipped in clarified butter by retiring to a Maine aquarium, has died at the ripe old age of a hundred and something—and he didn’t even make it all the way up north.


Reports US News:

Officials say the decades-old, 15-pound lobster succumbed during its journey from a Sunrise, Florida, restaurant to the Maine State Aquarium. The staff at the aquarium in West Boothbay Harbor unpacked the lobster and found it dead on Wednesday.


This sad story, if you’ll excuse me for a moment, is the exact combination—I’m talking a 33.333/33.333/33.333 split—of these three moments from popular culture: a Golden Girls episode entitled “Bringing Up Baby,” the ending of Seven, and a Red Lobster commercial. Allow me to explain:

  • In “Bringing Up Baby,” the gals inherit a 29-year-old pig named Baby and are asked to care for it in its twilight years. Having a pig in the house is a big ask, sure, but they’re promised a huge sum of money when it dies—something like $100,000—so they agree to it. By the end of the episode, however, poor Baby is diagnosed with homesickness by a vet (god, I love that show), and the girls decide to forego their inheritance and let it live on a farm. It dies soon after arriving, and they lose out on the money.
  • In Seven, Brad Pitt opens a box to a particularly depressing sight: the disembodied head of his wife, played by Gwyneth Paltrow.
  • In Red Lobster commercials, the succulent flesh of dead lobsters is photographed being dipped in clarified butter.

Staff Writer, Jezebel | Man

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Lana, Lana,...LANAAAAAA!!!

There’s more to the story...

Larry Lobster’s best friend Sam Clam also died. Larry being a good lobster went to Heaven, and when he got there he met up with Peter.

“Welcome to heaven, Larry Lobster.”

“Whoo, this great!” said Larry.

“Here is your robe, your harp, and your halo. You have bneen assigned cloud 453,267,” Peter informed Larry.

“That’s great, I hope it’s close to my best friend, Sam Clam!”

Peter frowned, “I’m sorry Larry, but your friend Sam Clam is not here. He is in H-E-double-toothpicks.”

“What? No, that can’t be true, he’s my best friend, Sam was nice and pure and honest, explained Larry.

Peter went to the desk and opened a hug book, flipped a few pages and said, “Yeah, no, he was pretty good, but you have to be better than pretty good. Let’s just say Sam was a covetous clam.”

Larry frowned, grabbed his stuff in a huff and trudged off to his cloud.

Weeks go by and Larry’s mood has not changed and it is really bothering God, so he calls in Peter.

“Peter, I know Larry is not happy about seeing his good friend one last time. But his bad mood is bad for heaven and I can’t have that. So here is what we are going to do....” and God told Peter what to do.

So Peter called on Larry and told him, “Larry, we have decided to let you go to , ahem, Hell and visit your friend Sam Clam. But there are some conditions.”

Larry excitedly replied, “Sure, what? I’ll do anything.”

Peter continued, “You must return by midnight, if the heavenly bell dings a twelfth time you will be banished forever. Secondly, you must not damage your heavenly belonging, your robe, your halo, your harp. Can you agree to this?”

“Yes, of course,” Larry exclaims and he is off before Peter can say anything else.

So Larry gets to Hell and he finds Sam Clam is running a disco. He goes in and finds his best friend.

“SAM! It’s me, Larry!”

“Larry Lobster! What in the world are you doing here?”

“I just had to come see you one last time, we were such good friends and I never got to say goodbye.”

“I know, I have felt pretty bad about it, too. But in Hell no one cares how you feel. Let’s go chat. Do you want a drink?” asked Sam.

“Clamato, please. JUST KIDDING, I’ll have cranberry juice.”

So the two of them are talking and dancing and enjoying themselves in the disco when the heavenly bell starts to toll.

“Larry you’d better go, you don’t want to stay here.”

“I wish I could stay but I know you’re right. It’s been great seeing ‘ya”

“It’s been great seeing you, too take care. Good bye< my friend.”

And after a warm hug-like thing (clams don’t have arms) Larry Lobster rushes out of the disco and straight to heaven’s gate. He arrives just as the bell tolls its twelfth. Peter is waiting.

“You are very lucky, Larry, you just made it.”

“I know, whew”, said an out-of-breath Larry.

Peter, however, gives Larry a very disapproving look, “but look at your robe, it is stained and it looks like there is even a cigarette burn on it. Your halo is bent and tarnished. This is so bad. And Larry, I don’t even see your harp. Where’s your harp?”

Larry looks around and then shrugs his shoulders, “Hmm, guess I left my harp in Sam Clam’s disco.”