About nine-tenths of what Congress does is useless. Every so often they manage to pass a budget or something, but for the most part, they just furtively re-decorate their offices and turn oxygen into carbon dioxide. And, as the Daily Show pointed out last night, occasionally deliver stinging, unneccessary, completely dickish and hilarious burns upon one another.
The burn-deliverer in the case, was Florida Congressman Alcee Hastings, who, having lost every single one of his fucks on the way to work that morning, decided that a Rules Committee hearing was the best possible time to air out his views on Texas Congressman Michael Burgess and — hell, why not — the entire state of Texas. It got so real.
Hastings, a Democrat, was impatient that the GOP-controlled House was trying to push through yet another bill repealing Obamacare. (As of last March they'd voted to repeal the law 54 times. God knows what number we're up to these days). He unleashed his fury on Texas Rep. Michael Burgess, best known for loudly declaring that abortion should be illegal after 20 weeks because male fetuses jerk off in the womb.
This time, though, Burgess was simply repeating a dumb — but not super dumb — Republican talking point: that Obamacare wouldn't be so unpopular "if the administration had worked with the governors."
"If the administration had worked with the governors?" Hastings shot back scornfully. "Had the governors had worked with the administration. Now, I don't know about your state — which I think is a crazy state to begin with. And I mean that just as I said it."
Good God. As Stewart pointed out, "Hastings just straight-up messed with Texas." They're very particular about that.
When Burgess protested that he "wouldn't sit here and listen" to aspersions against Texas, Hastings doubled all the way the fuck down: "Well, fine. You don't have to listen. You can leave if you choose. I told you what I think about Texas. I wouldn't live there for all the tea in China."
Strong stuff from a man who represents the meth-addled crocodile emporium that is Florida! Hastings got in one more jab, when Burgess sniffed that he would "await the gentleman's apology."
"You will wait until hell freezes over," Hastings replied coolly. He even took off his glasses for emphasis. Almighty God.
Burgess later tried to respond in kind on Twitter. He didn't do great.
After all that hilariously bitchy sniping, the bill did pass. It also directs the House committees to come up with a replacement law, something the Republicans have never been able to do. Maybe the 50-somethingth time's the charm?
Here's the full clip. The pwnage begins around 4:30. Keep some ice on hand; it's so bad I'm worried we all might somehow get second-hand burns.
Screengrab via Comedy Central