Dad's Sex Tips To One-Year-Old Are Worst Fatherly Advice Ever

Illustration for article titled Dads Sex Tips To One-Year-Old Are Worst Fatherly Advice Ever

Former Houston hand surgeon Dr. Michael Brown was acquitted last month of abusing his fourth wife, ten years after he admitted to beating his third wife with a bedpost and dragged her down the stairs by her hair. Now, his letters to his baby daughter have surfaced, and their explicit sex tips make them extremely bizarre reading.

The Houston Press Hair Balls blog is publishing excerpts of the letters, which appear to advise Brown's daughter Sophie, then just a year old, about her future sexual relationships. Here are some highlights:

On how long sex should be

The man wants you to view him as the world's greatest lover, such that you feel honored when he asks for sex — say no and you crush a little bit of him. Yes, both man and wife should and will enjoy mutually fulfilling sex — together (it is never fulfilling if you cheat — temporary pleasure and immeasurable guilt forever). Yet, the man physically requires more sex to prevent hypertestosteronism and the...resultant idiocy of the male. Sex doesn't always have to make you see stars. Typically, it's the man doing most of the work. You are wise, not weak, to simply give him his 10 minutes of pleasure. Act like your enjoying it and he'll only take 5 minutes [sic]. Then, don't forget to tell him how wonderful he was.


On her genetic inheritance

You two are genetically programmed with such___intelligence as to make most cower in disbelief. How, fucking ever you too unfortunately have your mothers genetic constitution to be unbelievably cold hearted bitches...I am sorry for fucking your mother instead of someone else. [...] Sweet baby girls love your mother but PITY her for she is not even slightly worthy and contributory to your genetic constitution. The smart is from me the bitchy her. Sorry, she had a nice ass and I was hard.

On how often to have sex

Once you get the sex thing on track don't ever get complacent and forget...every 2 or 3 days at least & you initiate sex every few weeks. Use a calendar if you have to. Understand your husbands need for you two want sex (sex=love=sex) from him. If you show him you don't want sex you are in fact telling the male brain, evolved over millions of years, that you don't want his love, that you reject the...most valuable thing he can offer you, that you reject him. This is fact. Don't even think about taking issue with this one even though I want you to think for yourself....


On what's important

During lovemaking, your partner's enjoyment should be your prime concern....not your own. If you do this then you will be a technically and emotionally great lover....This kind of lovemaking yields an orgasm multiplied many times by the emotional satisfaction of knowing your partner appreciates you....Without the emotion and letting the other know they are giving you pleasure sex is merely "mechanical" with no advantage over masturbation.


Sophie is Brown's daughter with his third wife Darlina, the one he admitted to beating. Making the whole story even creepier, Brown used to film TV ads for his surgery practice with baby Sophie in his arms. "We treat you like family," he'd say. For his clients' sake, let's hope that's not true.

Dr. Brown's Letters To Daughter Sophie, Volume I: Sex Should Take Five Minutes [Houston Press Hair Balls Blog]
Dr. Brown's Letters To Sophie, Volume II: Your Mom's A Bitch [Houston Press Hair Balls Blog]
Dr. Brown's Letters To Sophie, Volume III: The Key To An Awesome Orgasm [Houston Press Hair Balls Blog]

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Let's forget the completely creepy fact that he wrote these suggestions to his baby daughter. (UGH shudder.) His suggestion is to let a guy have completely lame sex with you, and then tell him he's the best you've ever had. At least twice a week.

Sounds like a really healthy relationship.