If Valentine's Day happens to catch you slumped in the ruins of a catastrophic breakup this year, fret not! Because the San Francisco Zoo has your back. For the price of a small donation, you can adopt one of their scorpions or hissing cockroach's in your ex's name.

The AP draws attention to the zoo's unconventional adopt-a-critter promotion:

So the latest affair didn't work out and given your ex's record-breaking ability to move on, you suspect foul play. Well, nothing soothes the sting like the adoption of a giant hairy scorpion in honor of your former beloved. It's no surprise, these invertebrates are aggressive, active, and alarmingly nocturnal. Much like your low-life ex, they are usually found in and around low-elevation valleys where they dig elaborate burrows or "caves."

For $50, they'll send the namesake of your choice a certificate and stuffed scorpion. Quite a parting shot! Or if you don't feel like splurging so much to tell your ex to fuck off and die, the hissing cockroach package is just $25: "The hissing cockroach is one of the largest species of cockroach, reaching 2โ€“4 inches at maturity, but as we all know, some cockroaches just never seem to grow up." Ain't that the truth.

I suppose the offer still applies and might qualify as romantic if your honey is an ardent bug lover. Alternative plan: Adopt a cockroach and name him Christian Grey. All sales are final.

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Image via Four Oaks/Shutterstock