Cute Valentine's Day Gift: Adopt a Hissing Cockroach in Your Ex's Name

If Valentine’s Day happens to catch you slumped in the ruins of a catastrophic breakup this year, fret not! Because the San Francisco Zoo has your back. For the price of a small donation, you can adopt one of their scorpions or hissing cockroach’s in your ex’s name.

The AP draws attention to the zoo’s unconventional adopt-a-critter promotion:

So the latest affair didn’t work out and given your ex’s record-breaking ability to move on, you suspect foul play. Well, nothing soothes the sting like the adoption of a giant hairy scorpion in honor of your former beloved. It’s no surprise, these invertebrates are aggressive, active, and alarmingly nocturnal. Much like your low-life ex, they are usually found in and around low-elevation valleys where they dig elaborate burrows or “caves.”

For $50, they’ll send the namesake of your choice a certificate and stuffed scorpion. Quite a parting shot! Or if you don’t feel like splurging so much to tell your ex to fuck off and die, the hissing cockroach package is just $25: “The hissing cockroach is one of the largest species of cockroach, reaching 2–4 inches at maturity, but as we all know, some cockroaches just never seem to grow up.” Ain’t that the truth.

I suppose the offer still applies and might qualify as romantic if your honey is an ardent bug lover. Alternative plan: Adopt a cockroach and name him Christian Grey. All sales are final.