'Crazy Clown' Is The Hot New Drug For The Cool, Dumb Teen in Your Life

Going to the emergency room after taking bad Molly is so three weeks ago. All the cool dumb kids are now going to the emergency room after taking a new drug called “Crazy Clown.” It sounds terrible, but then again, so is being a teenager.

What is Crazy Clown? Besides the newest place for parents to project their nebulous panic about their children making bad decisions, no one is sure. According to Psychology Today, it’s a leafy sort of thing that’s sometimes sold as incense. A Georgia TV station calls it an “herbal incense.” A local Kansas City TV channel reports that it “baffles” scientists because it looks like “a handful of innocent herbs” inside a “small foil packet.” OH MY GOD I THINK I ATE SOME INNOCENT HERBS FROM A PACKET AT A TWO BOOTS PIZZA LAST WEEK AM I GONNA DIE??? (The herbs looked incredibly innocent.)

Not only are authorities unsure of how Crazy Clown looks, they’re also not sure what it’s made out of or what it does to users. The best guess I found was Georgia’s WSAV channel 3, which listed it as “a new synthetic cannabinoid, ADB-PINACA.” Cannabinoid is smart-people talk for “weed-like thing.” Depending on the hysteria level of the news source you consult, anywhere from 8 to 100 people have been hospitalized after using it.

Which brings us to the money question: what is the point of Crazy Clown? Various news accounts say that it makes people lose control, have seizures, and foam at the mouth, all activities that sound not only un-clownlike but undesirable. Why smoke a thing that’s just going to make you flop around like a fish drowning in boat bottom air? Why let anything with a picture of an evil clown on the package get anywhere near your lungs?

All these mysteries and more, I’m sure, will soon be explored on one of those stern Friday night network news magazine programs for lonely people looking to television to justify their agoraphobia.