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Cracker Jack Releasing a New Caffeinated Snack Called Cracker Jack'd

Illustration for article titled Cracker Jack Releasing a New Caffeinated Snack Called Cracker Jackd

Yes. For real. Because there's no better time to release your new creepy high-caffeine energy-snack than at the end of a week packed with highly publicized caffeine-snack deaths! Good call, Cracker Jacks!


Coming soon to a store near you: Cracker Jack'D, a new twist on the popcorn candy that offers Power Bites with as much caffeine in every serving as a cup of coffee. That could mean kids could get an overdose of caffeine if they consume more than one serving at a time, warns the Center for Science in the Public Interest, a nonprofit nutrition activist group based in Washington, DC.

The addition of caffeine to a growing number of snack foods comes at a time when warning bells have sounded over the hazards of caffeinated energy drinks. US Food and Drug Administration officials told the New York Times on Wednesday that they've received reports of 13 deaths linked to 5-Hour Energy shots over the past four years. And the agency is also investigating heart attacks attributed to Monster energy drink, including the death of a 14-year-old Maryland teen.


Oh my god, what's the prize in Cracker Jack'd? An EZ-Bake Pocket Defibrillator? A plastic bag to catch all your diarrhea overflow?

Oh, but don't worry, guys—Cracker Jack'd isn't ANYTHING like those energy drinks—because, uhhhhh, the chewing kills the poison! Plus, we all know how much kids love compulsively glugging sour medicinal syrups, but they hate buttery, crunchy candy popcorn. I think we're in the clear here.

FYI, I'm coming out with my own brand of energy snack sometime later today. It's called "Nap." And basically what you do is you take a nap. It's delicious.

Would you eat caffeinated Cracker Jacks? []

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Not a moment too soon. This is definitely what American children need - a snack that not only ruins otherwise healthy nuts with buckets of sugar but also includes caffeine! If they lobby the USDA enough they can probably even get it on the food plate/pyramid/whatever-the-fuck.