Cosmo Wants To Help You Trap A Man, Ladies

By Hortense Smith | August 7, 2010 | 9:15pm

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Ladies, are you fun? Are you fearless? Do you think throwing a Nerf football at a stranger after the age of 14 constitutes fun and fearless flirting? Well you’re in luck, because Cosmo has a dating guide, just for you:

Cosmo prides itself on catering to the “fun and fearless female,” who, if the magazine is to be believed, is the type of woman who is so fun and so fearless that she needs to read 800 articles per month specifically designed to make her feel bad about her body and her wardrobe and her income and her sex life, removing her self esteem and replacing it with a faux-empowerment pile of b.s. that essentially teaches her to mold herself into a product worthy of being consumed by the general dude-bro population. If that doesn’t have “fun and fearless” written all over it, what does, ladies? What does?

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Because having a boyfriend is essential to a lady’s happiness, the folks at Cosmo have come up with some “fun, fearless” dating tips, which will allow you to flirt your way into someone’s heart by pulling slightly demented stunts like these:

Ask Him to Help With Your Necklace
When you spot a cutie, take off a necklace you’re wearing (make sure it has a clasp), go up to him, and tell him that you need help putting it back on. Sweep up your hair to reveal your neck, turn your head, and flash him a smile. While he fumbles around, say something like “I bet you didn’t think you’d be helping a girl get dressed tonight!”

It’s always a really good idea to remove your jewelry and approach a total stranger and put said jewelry into his hands. I know when I go out wearing a necklace, I hope that I get the chance to take it off and ask some random guy to help me put it back on, so he can see how dumb and helpless and apparently friendless I am, due to the fact that I had to approach a total stranger to help me fix my jewelry. And it’s always a good idea to let a total stranger put his hands around your neck, isn’t it? Remember ladies: you should always act dumb and weak and put yourself in vulnerable positions. That’s the only way to find true love. And if he ends up stealing your necklace and running out the door, you can one day tell your grandchildren how you fell in love after pressing charges for Grand Theft Locket.

Join His Cheering Section
Hit a sports bar the next time a game is on. Wear a tee with the logo of the team you’re cheering for, and sit near a guy rooting for the same team. You can connect over your shared fandom.

Remember, ladies: the only reason you’re allowed to love sports is because it might help you get married someday.

Ask Him to Unleash His Inner Emeril
Notice a cutie while shopping at a fancy food store? Lightly touch his shoulder and say “I’m working on a cheese platter for a little get-together at my place tonight. Any types you’d suggest?” Even if he’s not a connoisseur, he’s bound to have a few favorites. Keep the convo going by asking what he’s up to tonight.

Does this dude work at the grocery store? No? Then why the hell should he know or care about your cheese platter problems? Could it be that this guy is just trying to shop and doesn’t really need some clueless girl from Obvioustown hitting him over her terrible cheese platter dilemma? Do you notice a pattern here? Most of these tips want you to play the dumb damsel in distress, incapable of making any decisions on her own, and desperately in need of someone clearly smarter and wiser to show her the way. Observe:

Add Yourself to His ‘Recent Calls’ List
Pretend you can’t find your cell phone and ask a cute guy if he can help you out by calling your number. It’s a seamless convo starter and a sneaky way for you to give him your digits.

“Oh, help! I can’t find my phone! Wahh!”

Practice Safe Sun
When you’re at the beach or pool, claim a spot next to a cute guy and ask him if he has any sunscreen. If he seems into you, see if he could dot some on a hard-to-reach spot on your back.

“Oh help! I’m too stupid to bring sunscreen to the beach! Wahh!”

Ask Him to Be Your Style Expert
Go to a men’s clothing store, and start browsing the racks near a cute guy. Flash him a smile, tell him you’re looking for a gift for your brother/cousin/dad, and ask if he’d help you pick something out.

“Oh, help! I just don’t know a THING about clothes! Wahh!”

Invite Him to Escort You
Tell a cutie on the street you’re lost, and ask him how to get somewhere (in the direction he’s heading). Ask if he’d walk you there. Then before saying bye, suggest you thank him with a cup of joe.

“Oh help, I’m lost! Wahh!”

For all of Cosmo’s talk about “fun, fearless” women, the magazine seems to be stuck in the mindset that in order for a woman to approach a man, she needs to dumb herself down, make herself look weak, and helpless, and desperately in need of knight in shining armor to show her the way. In other words, in order to be “fun and fearless” you need to be desperate and helpless. Show any sign that you can take care of yourself, make your own damn decisions, or navigate this earth without the help of a dude and you’ll never date again, for who is going to want a woman who knows who she is and what she wants and doesn’t view a man as a savior as much as she does a partner? Nobody, ladies! That’s who! So forget your actual fun and fearless side and try to make yourself look as stupid and obvious as possible by using dating tips that were already played out by 8th grade. And when they blow up in your face and leave you stranded with a broken necklace or a half-ass cheese platter, all you have to do is pick up the next copy of Cosmo and use the perfumed pages to mop up your self-esteem and learn, once again, how to be the happiest girl in the whole world by selling yourself out and buying in to the magazine’s consistently asinine notions of how a truly fun and fearless woman actually lives her life.

20 Fun, Fearless Ideas To Help You Meet A Man [Cosmopolitan]

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