Conspiracy Corner: The Real Avril Lavigne Is Dead. The Avril You Know Is a Body Double.

Illustration for article titled Conspiracy Corner: The Real Avril Lavigne Is Dead. The Avril You Know Is a Body Double.

A lot of important people died in 2004: Ray Charles, Jerry Orbach, ODB, Avril Lavigne.

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“But Avril’s alive,” you say. “Sure, she’s suffering from Lyme disease and going through a divorce, but she’s still alive. Her heart beats! Her lungs pump air! She has the flutter of a pulse under her striped arm bands, right? Right?!”

Wrong! Sorry to bust your bubble, but Avril—according to a detailed conspiracy theory by a Brazilian fan site—is very much dead! She’s been dead since 2004, prior to the release of her second album Under My Skin, and has been played by a body double ever since.

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Noisey’s Ryan Bassil recently did a report on this (probably true) conspiracy and here’s what he found out:

To the outside world, everything was gravy. Yet if we could astral-project into Avril Ramona Lavigne’s psyche during this imperial period in her career, we would see that—as has been confirmed by everyone from Johnny Depp to Lauren Conrad from The Hills—being famous sucks. It takes an incredible toil on one’s person. So pretty soon Avril followed in the footsteps of Britney “being famous is just a job” Spears and hired a lookalike to confuse the paparazzi that were constantly pursuing her.

This lookalike was named Melissa. The two became close friends.

Shortly after writing sessions began on Avril Ramona Lavigne’s follow-up record, her Grandfather passed away. During this time, submerged under the pressure of releasing a new record, the toil of fame, and this new loss, Avril Lavigne entered a deep and dark depression. She would later be found dead at her home and her family, record label, and anyone else in the know kept quiet.

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Whaaaaaaaat. This is too crazy NOT to be true.

Dang. RIP, Avril. Melissa is stone cold.


Contact the author at madeleine@jezebel.com.

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DISCUSSION

When I was in 9th grade, I met a girl at a church dance that I was obsessed with and then spent the next two weeks calling her every single day. I took her to an Avril Lavigne and Simple Plan concert where I tried and failed to even hold her hand. She started dating someone the next day. That afternoon I called into the local Top 40 radio station and asked them to play something “that will make my heart stop hurting.” They played ‘Complicated’ by Avril Lavigne.