Conservative Writes Hilarious Letter About the Dangers of Buttsex

South Dakota State Rep. Steve Hickey has issued a heartfelt anti-buttfucking appeal to his local newspaper and posted the entire thing on Facebook. It’s awesome.

Hickey (as in the mark you get on your neck during careless foreplay leading up to buttsex) believes that in the debate about gay marriage, there’s an important component missing: “ewwwwww buttsex!” He remedies this in his letter to the Argus Leader, which he’s helpfully titled “A One Way Alley for the Garbage Truck.”

That’s a metaphor for the human butthole. His title is a butthole metaphor.

He posted the entire thing on his Facebook page, but in case you’re pressed for time due to the fact that you’ve got better things to do than read screeds from decaying relic-person, I’ve taken the liberty of excerpting the best parts here:

Certainly there are board-certified doctors in our state who will attest to what seems self-evident to so many: gay sex is not good for the body or mind. Pardon a crude comparison but regarding men with men, we are talking about a one-way alley meant only for the garbage truck to go down. Frankly, I’d question the judgment of doctor who says it’s all fine.

“Garbage truck” sounds like a name for a really hardcore sex toy designed for anal.

South Dakota docs, it’s time for you to come out of the closet and give your professional opinion on this matter like you capably and responsibly do on all the others. Somehow the message we are presently getting from the medical community is that eating at McDonalds will kill us but the gay lifestyle has no side effects. Truth be told it seems self-evident the list of side effects would read far longer than anything we hear on a Cialis commercial.

The best equivalencies are false ones.

This indeed is a matter of being on the wrong side of history considering that historically, homosexuality has been a notable marker of the downfall of past civilizations, not their rise. It’s not hate for a physician to speak up about something that is harmful to human health. It is not unloving to tell people you don’t have to have sex with and marry someone to love and be loved by them. As one who performs marriages and counsels couples as part of my professional life, marriage is the last thing I’d recommend to someone who simply wants to be loved and legitimized. What do other health care and mental health professionals in our state really think?

This guy literally cannot stop thinking about man-on-man anal sex. It’s all he thinks about all day. It tortures him. It is the Lolita to his Humbert.

Hickey goes on to defend his opposition to including trans kids in high school athletics by asserting that because trans people have a higher rate of suicide, being trans therefore must be a harmful disorder and that trans people must continue to be shunned from society (seriously! It doesn’t occur to him that social shunning might be what is contributing to suicide of trans people! He’s very dumb!).

On behalf of people who enjoy ruefully laughing everywhere: thank you, Mr. Hickey. I can only hope the devoted and thoughtful readers of the Argus Leader are able to read the treasure of your words.