Illustration: Jim Cooke/GMG Art

The battle of Pre-Apocalypse vs. Post-Apocalypse has come to a head, and you fools have given me a tension headache with the decisions you’ve made. I’m not trying to start drama, but don’t you ever think about other people?

Our final contest, per your votes, will be an exciting battle between Indoor Plumbing (12) vs. Unlimited Time Off (9). Really, anything but this would have been good. Indoor Plumbing vs. Dramatic Sex, for example. That’s FUN! Bees vs. Dramatic Sex. Also FUN! Even Bees vs. Unlimited Time Off would have had a somewhat random vibe that this hardworking Jezebel blogger could have played around with. As I recall, prior to this round, we’ve plowed through quite a few extremely good seeds, such as Free Bleeding (13) and Immortal Tech Billionaires (1) and Sephora (3). I cannot pretend to know what you were thinking, as I am but a simple basketball referee.

Instead, our (arguably) most exciting and edgy March Madness theme ever will end in an explosion of banality, no offense! Sure, unlimited time off was technically my idea, but I really had no idea it would go this far—you guys know you aren’t getting paid, right?

Anyway, you made your bed, or mowed your sports field, or what have you, and now you must lie in it. It’s TIME! TO! VOTE!

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On Monday we’ll announce the results of this shit show (get it), and you better make the right choice, or who knows what I’ll do!