By now surely you've heard of simultaneous orgasms, or at least of someone who knows someone who had one that one time. The literature is sketch because everyone who reports on their own sex life is a given liar. That doesn't mean you can't still chase this mythical beast. The good news: We want to help.
Depending on whom you ask, simultaneous orgasms are either totally rare or totally easy if you just avoid the "roadblocks." We know they don't happen like in the movies — why are people always shouting when they orgasm in movies?? — but enough people say they happen that we at least have to believe they happen for some people, some times, under some circumstances. The problem is, which people? Which times? Which circumstances? Liars?
For many women, orgasms are hard enough to come by as it is (as evidenced by a new campaign aiming to raise funds to provide British university freshmen with a guide to the female orgasm called, "Ladies Come First.") But it got me thinking: In more equally orgasmic relationships, who comes first? And how often do both people come together?
Let's say simultaneous orgasm is totally possible, but takes a lot of work. This all begs the question: Worth it? It also begs another question: How? From what's out there and polling random people and common sense, I've compiled a guide.
Accept the Challenge Before You
Look I don't want to put a damper on anyone's dreams, but coming together don't come easy. Just know who has gone before you and what their results were. Daily Mail "sexpert" Tracey Cox says:
Roughly 75% of men in relationships always have an orgasm with their partner, compared to 30% of women.
Men's orgasms last around 5-10 seconds (if he's lucky), women's orgasms can last 15 seconds or more (much more, if she's lucky and he's adept).
Do the math and you'll soon see the chances of both of you orbiting into orgasmic ecstasy at exactly the same moment is highly unlikely. Romantic, yes.
Define Your Terms
Does orgasming five or 10 seconds later than your partner make the scoreboard? Or do you discard the results and start over? Or should you orgasm first, and as Cox notes above, "make the 'together' orgasm the second one"? Does good enough live here? (FYI: Applebee's slogan). What is the margin of error? This is critical.
A Willingness to Train
Yes, orgasm retraining. You know that old canard: The couple who refuses to come until the other person also comes stays together. For this, try what Cox calls the "Bridge Technique," where you
have sex on a bridge receive "clitoral stimulation up to the point of, but not actually to, orgasm and let his thrusting trigger off the orgastic reflex. This effectively provides a 'bridge' between clitoral stimulation and intercourse."
Predictable Orgasm Lifecycle
It's like docking a space station, truth be told. Come hell or high water, you'd better be clockwork in a position he can get off in too, because YOU DON'T HAVE ALL NIGHT.
Unstructured Free Time
I don't care what your life is, you won't be achieving simultaneous orgasm if you don't have at least two free nights a week.
Your partner has to know you. Like, really know you, ok? Dr. David Delvin says sim-orgs (my just-now made-up abreves) are much more possible "in a close and loving relationship, where the partners have been together for years and know reach other's sexual responses well."
This means you have to know how your partner gets turned on and what they want without them even having to say anything, like the diaper-free elimination communication method, but like for adults, but not involving shit, and not gross or anything.
Finding Safe Words
What if you're about to blow your load? What word or phrase would pump the brakes on the action enough to settle the dogs and buy you a few more minutes? Your dad's name? Just a thought.
Cox says using a "number" system can help, and will especially make sure your neighbors never ever suspect you're "doing it":
Talk lots, telling each other exactly where you're at by using a number system. Groaning out a 'Nine!' or delivering a curt 'Still two' might seem odd to start, but it's a quick and effective way to communicate in bed.
Some women prefer an emptied dishwasher and a room as black as night, like, darker than deep space. Sheets free of dog hair. Three glasses of wine. Those women are often married. Single women prefer facing northwest with winds blowing 12 mph on the third Tuesday of the month after a full moon.
Shouting numbers certainly works best on all fours, which must be why rear entry is desired for maximum clitoral stimulation. You can't beat woman on top for cheeriness, either. Dr. Laura Berman says:
Positions in 69 not only hold an incredible promise for intimacy, but these oral sex positions also allow partners to both give and receive pleasure and time your pace so that you can reach climax simultaneously.
The Element of Surprise
If it's not working, you could always just shift things wildly without warning. "Change positions. Change rooms. Change the CD," Cox notes. My suggestion: Try Five Finger Death Punch.
A Good Attitude
Finally, you just have to stay relentlessly positive if you really wanna go simul-twosies. Question: Are you willing to drop everything and just begin masturbating fervently if that's what it takes? Winners never quit, but quitters never lose. Tough call. How bad do you want it?
Image by Jim Cooke.