Concerned Voter Wants to Know if Newt Gingrich will Legalize Polygamy

Smirking blowhard Newt Gingrich has been threatening to run for President for decades now, and this year, he’s closer than he’s ever been to following through on that threat. But as the Iowa caucuses approach like a thundering herd of angry ex wives, it’s been difficult for evangelicals to wrap their heads around how a man who has artlessly discarded two marriages can possibly be counted on to defend family values. One voter in Iowa has dared ask Newt the difficult, pressing question: would President Newt legalize polygamy?

Politico reports that the question came from a caller to one of Newt’s tele-town hall meetings, which are opportunities for the average everyday Joe Jesus to call in and grill Newt about his social conservative credentials. Yesterday, one caller said,

I’m a Bible believing Christian, and Jesus very specifically states in the Bible that divorced people are really still married which I think technically means you’re a polyagamist. I’m wondering what you’ll do to legalize polygamy in U.S. if elected president.

Good question, guy! Newt answered that he’s not actually a polygamist because he didn’t actually get a divorce, because the Catholic Church annulled his marriages so that they don’t officially count anymore, in the eyes of Jesus. Technigodly, he’s only been married once, you see, because the rules of an archaic institution trump the paper and ladytrail that follows the former Speaker of the House everywhere he goes.

Unfortunately, the observant hero couldn’t pose a follow up question to Gingrich, because he’d hung up.