Comment Of The Day: The Perils Of Losing It To A Tampon

Fears of tampon deflowerment bring out the best in you, so today we’re highlighting three poignant tales about your first time with a wad of cotton.

memphreblues says:

Great answer on their part! Problems with the entire concept of virginity aside, the question should really be “can using a tampon cause my daughter’s hymen to break?” When I think of a tampon “stealing” a girl’s virginity, I think of a girl going to see a movie with her tampon, and then parking on a deserted hill afterwards. And for a while they just talk, but things heat up and the tampon starts getting handsy. The girl is into it, but she’s pretty nervous, and the tampon is all, “Come on baby, it’s okay. It will feel so good…” so eventually they end up having sex. But then, after an awkward drive home, the girl’s dad catches her sneaking back in with sex hair and a cardboard applicator stuck to her shoe. So he grabs his shotgun and runs outside, screaming, “You stay away from my little girl, you pervert!” as the tampon hauls ass and screeches out of the driveway. And the girl is running after her dad, tearfully yelling, “Daddy, stop! He didn’t do anything! It was my idea! We’re in love! Daddy, you don’t know him like I do!”

Much more dramatic than accidentally breaking a thin piece of tissue.

rachel723 says:

I actually did lose my virginity to a tampon. It was a lovely evening, dark and warm. The tampon brushed over my breasts and slowly inched it’s way towards my ladyhood. I was nervous, but the instruction booklet looked me deep in the eyes and told me to relax. I took a deep breath and knew I could trust it, slowly opening my legs. For just one second, I hesitated, feeling the soft but hard cotton poised and ready… and then, in one quick thrust, it was over. There was no pain, only an uncomfortable feeling of fullness. No longer a maiden, I breathed a sigh of relief, and moved by the beauty of it all, cried a few tears.

Then I threw on my white pants and went out to play some tennis and do some dancing.

SorciaMacnasty says:

Dear Iris,

We’re an old-fashioned family and I like to think that my daughter is an old-fashioned kind of gal. She loves her corset and we’ve never had a single argument about her chastity belt! Even though the house is surrounded by a moat, (and my oldest son is great with his crossbow) it’s been tough work keeping the boys at bay this summer!

Ever since my little girl has blossomed into her full ladyhood, she’s been disappointed in the options available to sop up her moon-flower juice each month. We’re simultaneously bargaining with several families to arrange her marriage (hopefully before she hits spinster status by the ripe old age of 15!), so I can’t have a sulky sally on my hands, now can I?

Since her imminent marriage will be arranged and heftily dowered, we’ve got a lot at stake in preserving Precious Girl’s virginity. I know it’s old-fashioned, but we still like to hold the traditional ceremony of the bloody sheet, where my dumpling’s future husband will proudly wave the crimson-stained nuptial linen out of their parapet’s window the morning after her passage into wifely bliss. How can we look forward to such a warm family occasion if my plumpy insists on shoving wads of cotton up her Sacred Baby Passage and thus risking a rupture of her Proof O’ Virtue card? We’d would be SO humiliated if the neighbors, friends and political allies all showed up to the castle for a bloody sheet ceremony only to be greeted with the crisp white failure-sheets of a common tavern wench.

Any advice you can offer would be gratefully received. Send a raven, won’t you?

Warmly,
Cersei Lannister

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