College Student, Tucker Max Wannabe Likes Sluts (Without Scholarships)

Stuart Cobb, a student at the University of Denver, has made sure he’ll never get a date again by writing a tragically unfunny piece titled “Seven women you’ll meet at DU.” Stuart is practically fishing for scorn. I’ll bite!

Cobb’s drivel is just about as bad as it gets. The college senior has assembled a list that insults rich women, women on scholarship, women who like having casual sex, women who just want to get married, and, to top it all off, women with mental health issues. He actually starts off his list with the most offensive of the bunch: the “Where’s my medication?” Girl. “Do you know what you get when you combine twenty years worth of ‘inattentive daddy-issues’ with some douchey ex-boyfriends and a slight chemical imbalance?” he asks. You get a crazy bitch who will break all your stuff, obviously! But more importantly, you get a slut: “Should you be unlucky enough to find yourself in the presence of such a female do yourself a favor and run, unless, of course, she’s easy. Don’t worry, she will be.” Yes, you heard that right. Women with problems are easy, so guys should take advantage of their issues before turning heel.

But Cobb likes sluts, for the most part (he cautions male readers to bring “mouthwash and latex gloves” to any encounter with no. 2, the “Bottom-Feeder”). He’s not particularly into the Activist Girl (silly activist girl! who gave you the right to have opinions?) or the Trustafarian (major sins: having money and unshaven legs). He also dislikes girls on scholarship because they dress ugly and are unwilling to touch his penis. Finally, the seventh type of girl you’ll meet at DU is the “The beautiful, engaging, and somehow well-adjusted girl you bring home to mom.” Cobb immediately pulls a Borat-style Not! before the “joke” has even had a second to sink in. These girls – the “good ones” – go to Stanford. According to Cobb, there are no women attending DU that are worthy of his affection. Lucky them.

It’s pretty clear why Cobb’s article is loathsome. He uses his school paper as a platform from which he can shame and insult the entire female population of DU. However, instead of continuing to rant at Cobb, I decided to make my own little list:

Five Sexist Assholes You’ll Meet In College (And Beyond):

1. The Bro-Hole
This guy is usually an out-and-out chauvinist. Horrible, but at least you know where you stand immediately, unlike the…

2. The Nice Guy Jerk-Off
We’ve talked about the problem with “nice guys” before, but to reiterate: anyone who says “I’m so nice that I can’t even get laid,” is not, in fact, nice.

3. The Apologetic Ass
This is a variation on the nice guy, but a little more easy to spot. They start their sentences with “no offense” or “I’m just going to tell it like it is.” People who speak like this are too weak willed to be a Bro-Hole but tend to hold the same set of values. Tread carefully.

4. The Lady-Douche
She might be just “one of the guys” or she might be a feminine-ist, but her desire to uphold the status quo is disturbing and powerful.

5. The Jokester Dickwad
This guy claims “you just don’t understand parody” when you call him out on his bullshit. See Cobb, Stuart and the comment section at the DU Clarion if you need examples.