College-Aged Spring Breakers Love Hanging Out With Us, Say Grown Men

Time is a flat circle. Specifically, it is a flattened beer can crushed against a 30-something man’s head in triumph after its golden liquid had been vigorously imbibed as part of the U.S.’s annual Spring Break celebrations — a celebration he will never leave.

At the New York Post, Dana Schuster has penned a harrowing investigation into what happens if one takes the mantra “Spring Break forever” literally. Her findings: things get, like, sad.

But according to the finance bros and engineers she interviews — all of whom are between 28 and 35 and take time off from work to infiltrate these large bacchanalian gatherings of college students — revisiting Spring Break 10+ years after the Spring Break window has closed is pretty chill:

“My friends will start the e-mail chains, ‘All right, what are we doing? Where are we going? Cancun or Miami?’ ” says Joaquin, who asked that his last name not be used for professional reasons, adding, “I’ve never been in a rush to get old.”

Nothing says “I’m in no rush to get old” like an e-mail chain with other professionals!

“It’s all about the spring break mentality,” according to 31-year-old Justin, who lives in Midtown and also asked that his last name not be used for professional reasons.

“It’s easier to get laid,” he clarifies… “I could run around New York City and bang as many girls as I do on spring break, but it’s not the same feeling.”

Cool, Justin. So, what exactly goes down when you get there, professional bros?

“We would just leave our sliding door open and have a stocked bar and go from pool to shots, bringing groups of girls back to the rooms,” says Joaquin.

Oh, sweet, the luxury equivalent of a box trap. Nice.

“My angle was, this is what it is. I’m 10 years older than you, but guess what, I like to drink and party, too. You want to go drink Bud Lights or you want to go drink Champagne?”

Huh, ok. Some, however, prefer to use the “passing as a youth” route over the “bribing and luring” method.

Some of Joaquin’s and Schapher’s compatriots, however, find it wiser to chug beer and fit in. “If you tell anyone you’re older than 23 and you’re on spring break, they’re going to say, ‘Oh, you’re a dog,’ ” laments Justin.

Suggested outfit: this.

So, now the real question: how impressed are the ladies with this act? I know, I know — why even bother asking? Women love expensive alcohol and guys with cool finance jobs, as it says in all the biology textbooks. But, whatever, let’s just see what they have to say: “I don’t really know how to respond to them because I have nothing in common with them,” a 21-year-old student on Spring Break told the Post. Quoth a high school student from Fort Lauderdale, “It’s perverted. If you’re hitting on a junior in high school and you’re a 28-year-old, you need to reevaluate something.”

Oops.

As long as retrograde assholes roam this earth, there shall exist a fantasy of an exotic locale in which otherwise average-to-undesirable men can use their social and economic capital to dazzle otherwise uninterested women into bed. It goes without saying, but holding onto a delusion that one’s accumulated wealth makes one irresistible to covetous college bitches is sexist, antiquated and gross, not to mention very wrong. Personally, I would rather drink a Bud Light alone than share champagne with an aging professional living in Midtown who still uses the word “bang.”