CNN Parodies Too Many Cooks, GOP Parodies 'Stay Thirsty,' We Go Insane

Even though the 2016 Presidential election is still more than 19 months away, we’re already deep into political-parodies-less-funny-than-the-original-thing-that-was-funny-several-months-or-years-ago territory. Yo, Canada: I’m coming.

On Thursday, CNN, fancying itself to be very clever indeed, mined its vast video library to put together a Too Many Cooks parody. The joke is that there are a lot of people and things that may or may not play a factor in the 2016 election. In a flaccid attempt to approximate the demented spirit of the inimitable Adult Swim gem, there is also a Demon Sheep. I spent what felt like several hours watching the whole thing; it’s okay. Worth it for the footage of Charles Koch being tossed into a pool. Good luck getting the song out of your head ever again, and good luck trying to figure out why they didn’t just go with “Too Many Crooks,” which would have been much ballsier.

Meanwhile, in the land of Republicans (a megachurch in suburban Kansas sponsored by Monsanto and an oil company run, somehow, by a CEO that is a fetus), comes an incredibly zeitgeisty and of-the-moment parody of Dos Equis’s iconic “Stay thirsty, my friends” campaign. Except—and here’s the super cool thing that will certainly get the youths going—it’s about Hillary Clinton.

Why, nearly 10 years later, would a major political party still be making jokes based on an ad campaign that first aired in the US in 2006? Have Republicans not consumed any new pop culture since the second Bush administration? And why “secretive,” a word that sounds nothing at all like “thirsty”? Why not “shifty”? There has to be at least one conservative comedian who is capable of putting together a joke that makes sense. Please, please, GOP: find her and hire her.

I don’t even care about the election at this point; I just don’t want to spend the next year and a half being driven insane. There are real professional comedians out there who work their asses off who need work and who I’m sure would do a better job than this. If you have a political science degree from Liberty University, please—for the love of baby bald eagles—let somebody else write jokes. Trust me. I’m begging you.

Mentally, presidential election years feel a little bit like being stranded indoors during a major weather event. At first, it’s kind of fun, but eventually, you run out of Carr’s rosemary and olive oil crackers and the clothes you’ve been wearing for three days start smelling like chicken soup and body odor, and you’re so bored with everything that you and everybody around you starts going all Yellow Wallpaper. This shouldn’t be happening this far out from the election. Heaven help us.