Church of England Apologizes For Saying Only Married Heterosexuals Should Bone

Last week, the Church of England decided to alienate even more of its followers when its bishops released a statement which declared that “only married heterosexuals should have sex.”

Bishops have issued pastoral guidance in response to the recent introduction to mixed-sex civil partnerships, which says: “For Christians, marriage – that is, the lifelong union between a man and a woman, contracted with the making of vows – remains the proper context for sexual activity.”

No sexual intercourse for the rest of you people! Just the married straights. All the rest of us have to stand 6 inches apart at all times, like we’re constantly at a middle school dance, just to ensure that there is no possibility that sexy times could be had. Even a lustful glance—FORBIDDEN.

It adds: “Sexual relationships outside heterosexual marriage are regarded as falling short of God’s purpose for human beings.”

I would call this language unnecessarily intense. Also, generally impractical.

Understandably, the Church of England received massive amounts of pushback for issuing this statement—particularly as they chose to do it at the same time as conducting the ‘Living in Love and Faith’ project, a review of their teachings about sexuality and marriage. It’s hard to imagine that the church is treating this review with the seriousness it deserves if its religious leaders are still unabashedly professing the very views that they are supposed to be reconsidering.

In the wake of this criticism, the Church of England has issued an apology. But not for what they said, just for how and when they said it. So, the church’s “apology” is basically equivalent to every apology that Scheana Shay has ever given on Vanderpump Rules—inauthentic and transparent.

I mean, why bother retracting a homophobic and rigid statement which states that having sex if you’re not straight or married means your relationship is “falling short of God’s purpose for human beings”? Nah, let’s definitely stand by that one.