Illustration for article titled Chuck Norris Brings The Crazy; Obama Brings The Change

I actually sort of missed Chuck Norris' political punditry after he disappeared from the scene last year, but it turns out Chuck only went away to redouble his efforts at making the news cycles awesome.


Norris has decided to retreat permanently to another universe in his mind, as that's pretty much the only way to explain his announcement that he plans to run for President of Texas when it secedes from the Union. (He wants to party like it's 1861, bitches.) He's starting to make Joe the Motherfucking Plumber look of sound mind and body, and speaking of, JTMP is practically running to replace RNC Chairman Michael Steele.

Anyway, despite the coming secession of Texas and its rule by the iron-fisted Mr. Norris, there is actual change happening. Barack Obama plans to embrace merit pay for teachers, which pisses off the unions because, apparently, teachers should be paid for teaching and not necessarily for being good at it. He's also not going to use signing statements much anymore, which, while not as good as not using them at all, is better than using them for everything. He's apparently going to renegotiate our trade deals with China, Colombia and Panama to get more from those countries in terms of workers' rights and environmental protections. And he's probably going to means-test the Medicare drug benefit which is wicked expensive but for old people so I don't really pay that much attention to it.


Oh, and pour one out for Osama bin Laden. Party like it's his birthday, 'cause it is, even if you don't give a fuck that it's his birthday.

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