Christian Mom Knows Secret Ingredient in Monster Energy Drink: Satan

We live in a world rife with conspiracy, and an even two-thirds of that world is controlled by our dark lord, the Monster Beverage Corporation. You may see nothing more complicated in their “M” logo than a mere acid-green claw scratch from a fearsome skateboarder who has gone deep into beast mode, but others know better; each leg of the M is a Hebrew vav, symbolizing 6.

6-6-6.

Think about it.

And while you’re thinking about it, some innocent God-fearing teen has just bought a Monster drink, hailing Lucifer with every sip.

Anyway, National Treasure: Satan Juice is an old, old story, but no one has ever explained it better than this smug Christian genius, captured here working the table at what I can only presume is day three of Davos (so as to best permit the truth to rise from the dead). “What has Christ got to do with an energy drink, let alone the name Monster?” she says, her face clenched as to best withstand the hurricane of her own knowledge. But then she goes even deeper, past the 666 symbology and the fuck-you cross in the O. She points out the letters BFC on the bottom of the Monster can.