Christian Blogger Sweetly Warns Gals to Fuck Their Men or Go to Hell

“Lots of wives have become experts at making up excuses to avoid something that’s extremely important to their husband,” warns Christian lifestyle blogger Jennifer Flanders. “Don’t be one of them.” Hint: the devil will lead your husband astray if you’re too late to work to lie down under him and stare at the ceiling.

Flanders’ blog, “Loving Life at Home,” contains the reflections of a “faith-walking, husband-loving, home-schooling, hymn-singing, deep-thinking, book-writing, hand-crafting, life-savoring mother of twelve.” (Also, apparently, a lover of hyphenated words.) That’s cool! We like deep thoughts and books and hyphens! It’s too bad that Flanders also enjoys pressuring women to be Stepford Wife sex robots via Pinterest and poetry.

An excerpt:

The toilet’s clogged.
It’s hot and muggy.
I’ll be late for work.
Forget it! I’m still mad at you — you know you’ve been a jerk.
My legs need shaving.
I feel fat.
I’m under too much stress.
We’ve barely finished dinner, Dear, let’s let our food digest.

…

Excuses, Excuses, to keep your man at bay—
The devil will supply them if you can’t think what to say.
When wives won’t give their husbands sex, then everybody loses,
But Heaven’s floodgates open when we stop making excuses!

Although the accompanying photo looks more like a domestic abuse PSA than a plea to give in when you’re not in the mood, after a thorough close-read I’ve deduced that Flanders thinks your husband will cheat on you/you’ll literally go to hell if you’re not a sex machine 24/7. It’s just like you learned at Sunday School: “Heaven’s floodgates open” if you open your legs.

The comments are super depressing:

I like this post and I agree but sometimes the devil still finds a way. I rarely said no to my husband without a very valid reason and addiction and infidelity still found him. He’s in recovery now and life is so much better in that regard. Now we just have to heal from his infidelity.