Chrissy Teigen published a blog Monday morning about, well, everything. I wish she hadn’t.
In a new Medium post titled “Hi again,” Teigen attempts to reckon with what she describes as “deserved global punishment.” (Not the description I would have gone with, but I’m not Teigen and thus have no control over these simple matters.) In the blog, she details the supposed motivation in tweeting at a teenage Courtney Stodden to kill themself—among other things—and then rambles into what has transpired since she left social media, and details the work she claims to have done on her insides.
It begins quite plainly:
I know I’ve been quiet, and lord knows you don’t want to hear about me, but I want you to know I’ve been sitting in a hole of deserved global punishment, the ultimate “sit here and think about what you’ve done”. Not a day, not a single moment has passed where I haven’t felt the crushing weight of regret for the things I’ve said in the past.
She also claims to be living in “my own version of that show My Name Is Earl.”
I’ve apologized publicly to one person, but there are others — and more than just a few — who I need to say I’m sorry to. I’m in the process of privately reaching out to the people I insulted. It’s like my own version of that show My Name is Earl! I understand that they may not want to speak to me. I don’t think I’d like to speak to me. (The real truth in all of this is how much I actually cannot take confrontation.) But if they do, I am here and I will listen to what they have to say, while apologizing through sobs.
Teigen adds that there is “no excuse for my past horrible tweets,” and that nobody deserved them. Her most revealing admission, it seems, is that she did most of it for fame and attention.
In reality, I was insecure, immature and in a world where I thought I needed to impress strangers to be accepted. If there was a pop culture pile-on, I took to Twitter to try to gain attention and show off what I at the time believed was a crude, clever, harmless quip. I thought it made me cool and relatable if I poked fun at celebrities.
About halfway through, she adds that “I’m telling you this for context, not seeking or deserving any sympathy. There’s no justification for my behavior. I’m not a victim here.” There’s also a large bit near the end about her children, and what they might think of her someday:
John tells me almost every day how much our daughter Luna reminds him of me. Every day, I try to make sure she’s all the best parts of me, all the things I aspire to be all the time, but fail at sometimes. And we preach kindness to her and Miles every chance we get. Will they eventually realize there is some hypocrisy there? I certainly do. But I hope they recognize my evolution. My goal is to be so good that my kids will think this was all a fairy tale. Not the fake good. The good that has the best intentions, the good who wakes up wanting to make her friends, family, her team and fans as happy as possible. The good who will still fuck up in front of the world but rarely, and never not growing only more good from it.
She closes out with a poetic meditation on her own inherent goodness. Curiously, she mentions “you” quite a bit, as if she believes herself to be speaking to a single reader, and not a collective. For all her purported work behind the scenes, I still find the parasocial relationship she maintains with her audience to be a tad haunting. “I have so much love to give if you are open and willing to accept it. And if not, that’s okay too. That’s something I work on being more okay with every day. I know I let you down, but I hope I can make you proud.” She adds: “We are all more than our worst moments.”
Predictably, Teigen signs off casually, affecting an ironic tone, like a serious tweet book-ended with an “lol.” She writes: “Phew. A lot, I know. Thanks for listening.”
There. Saved everyone a click.