Chris Christie: I Definitely Fuck

Catholicism, the religious creed beneath which I was raised, retains many archaic mandates that may have served a particular function in, say, 201 BCE, but do not serve the same function in 2015 AD, and its stance against birth control is up there. While “Chill Pope” Francis has been more progressive than prior pontiffs on topics such as acceptance of gays, he is still in the dark ages when it comes to birth control, recommending that Catholics simply should not fuck “like rabbits” and that while he and the church are still against contraception such as condoms and the pill, “Natural Family Planning”—a modern outgrowth of the rhythm method—is still a-okay for, you know, married folks.

Of course, fucking like rabbits was probably a good idea at the dawn of civilization, because populations needed to flourish in order for survival—and development of hallmarks of organized society like agriculture and government. But these days, the world is barely sustaining 7.3 billion people, and Pope Francis not only not advocating birth control, the Catholic Church is actively stopping women from having contraceptive access around the world, whether through government pressures or bananas misinformation.

Meanwhile, Chris Christie’s cryptic hypocrisy knows now bounds: though he deems himself a not-awful Catholic, and has used other forms of birth control, he has vetoed funding for Planned Parenthood in New Jersey multiple times—he claims it’s because of his anti-choice Catholic tenets, though like most Republicans, doesn’t seem to know or care that abortions are just a tiny fraction of the important services Planned Parenthood provides.

On Sunday morning’s State of the Union, when CNN’s Jake Tapper asked Christie if he favored Republicans shutting down the government if Planned Parenthood wasn’t defunded, Christie replied, “We should just defund Planned Parenthood. We shouldn’t be throwing around threats like that, it doesn’t help… But we should be very firm as a party that this type of conduct, by an organization, the harvesting and selling of fetal body parts is deplorable.” Meanwhile, it has been proven that the videos in question were heavily edited, and misrepresents what Planned Parenthood does most—provides “cancer screening, reproductive rights,” and other women’s health services, as Tapper points out to Christie. “All money is fungible, Jake. Of course it goes to abortion, of course it does,” Christie retorts, citing absolutely no facts, proving that even his own relation to the truth is as fungible as his shrugginess about his Catholic values.