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Chris Christie Bravely Takes a Stand for Mask Wearing, 8 Months Too Late

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Chris Christie, one of Donald Trump’s most simpering lapdogs, is thinking now that he should have worn a mask when he went bounding into the Rose Garden for Amy Coney Barrett’s now famous coronavirus super-spreader event. He wrote as much in an unasked for op-ed in the Wall Street Journal, echoing the gospel he’s been preaching for a week now. (For reference, covid-19 took off in the U.S. in March.)

Overcome by the excitement of being in close proximity to his master, Christie writes that he let his guard down and removed his mask. “I mistook the bubble of security around the president for a viral safe zone. I was wrong. There is no safe zone from this virus,” he wrote, shattering my belief that Trump exuded virus-killing hormones from his chemical-steeped skin.

Having gotten seriously ill himself, Christie is finally prepared to believe what healthcare workers and the more than 8 million infected Americans have been saying for months: That the coronavirus is not to be trifled with, and that wearing a mask is the best way we have of stopping its spread. As a man of the people, Christie is urgently sharing his groundbreaking discovery with the world:

“When you get this disease, it hits you how easy it is to prevent,” he muses. “We are asked to wear cloth over our mouth and nose, wash our hands and avoid crowds. These minor inconveniences can save your life, your neighbors and the economy. Seldom has so little been asked for so much benefit.”


Christie wraps up with what appears to be the weakest of jabs at Donald Trump, who also contracted covid-19 but has spent the time since his recovery downplaying its seriousness. “Those who deny the scientific realities of the pandemic undermine conditions that allow for rapid and complete reopening,” the op-ed reads.

Christie picked a strange time to become critical, after five years spent trotting after Trump hoping in vain for some recognition for his loyalty. Instead, he helped the president with prep before the September presidential debate, overlooking the fact that Trump was utterly unconcerned with his conspirator’s wellbeing. Maybe he’s finally done being Trump’s lapdog. From now on, Christie will answer to just one commander, the Almighty Mask. It’ll certainly do more for him than Trump ever did.