The retail industrial complex has already got the Winter Lonelies thoroughly covered with all those big sad arm pillows with nipples for you to weep into during the doldrums of February. Now, there’s a product for those who need fake companionship during the summer months, too!
For just $19, you can cool yourself in the rubbery loins of Chad, the inflatable pool bro who will never make you hold his legs for a keg stand (he doesn’t have any) or try to make out with your friend (no mouth either) or scratch his balls during a family photo (also no genitals, at least that I can see). Unlike Human Chad, who sucks, Pool Chad is perfect!
Pool Chad will support you in the water while you float, hold your drink, and not tell any horrible stories about his frat days at Temple when he thinks you can’t hear him. He’ll never get caught drunkenly pissing in a flowerbed; nor will he tell long-winded and ultimately off-color joke that will make you wish you’d left him at the Coyote Ugly where you found him.
As you can see from this inexplicable graphic, Pool Chad is roughly as tall as a Human Chad’s crotch, which seems relevant:
Pool Chad has been on the market for awhile, but summer 2019 is brand spanking new. Why spend these coming months with a real boyfriend when you can spend it with Pool Chad, whose sturdy rubber arms will wick your tears straight into the chlorinated water, where they will disappear forever?