Celery Juice Makes a Mockery of Celery

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Something terrible has happened to celery. Juice bars in Brooklyn are moving unexpectedly high quantities of the stringy green stalks, and groceries stores in Los Angeles can barely keep bunches of them on their shelves. Yes, celery—historically maligned by children who do not know better—is now the hottest vegetable among who wish to reap its benefits (which one man with a book describes as clearer skin and fewer migraines, among many other things).


But many adults are consuming this vegetable in liquid form, as celery juice or celery water, and because of that, they’re not receiving any of celery’s real benefits, which are its crunch, its crisp flavor, and its ability to move tons of peanut butter and raisins into my mouth.

It’s genius. Whenever the mood strikes, celery can make an easy and excellent addition to your meal: It can be dipped in ranch (which is good, despite what several of my coworkers say), blue cheese, or hummus, and it’s also great with wings, serving as a generous palate cleanser. You can nosh on celery sticks all day at work if you so please (although I beg you to add some variety to your day). But most importantly, celery can be used to clear out the very bottom of your peanut or almond butter jar, which helps you cut back on food waste and makes a delicious snack!

Celery is great. It’s as versatile as it is easygoing, the everyman’s snack (never mind that the price has skyrocketed because of this juice craze). Let’s not forget—celery is mostly water, so the joy of it really comes from its shape and rigid structure. So celery juice is... mostly water, with the worst part of celery thrown in there (the strings, which will make you wanna check your teeth after eating).

Go ahead and splurge on a bunch of celery today, and make yourself a snack that you’ll be thinking of fondly for the rest of the day. Bon appétit.



and its ability to move tons of peanut butter and raisins into my mouth.


no one wants ants on a pond.