Image: All via Getty

Cannes is always the fanciest film festival for various reasons that include: 1. Snobby (hates Netflix); 2. Storied (been going on for a long time) 3. Nostalgic (old-world glamour is the wave); 4. South of France (it’s the South of France). They also debut and sell movies and shit. The opening night red carpet is such a to-die-for-affair, and also in the forgiving month of May, that actors, directors, and other people in attendance tend to wear more luxe ensembles than even the Oscars. Even when the opening night screening is for a Jim Jarmusch movie about zombies!

On Tuesday, for the 72nd Annual Cannes Opening Ceremony red carpet celebrating the fun-looking, B-aspiring horror-comedy The Dead Don’t Die, its stars showed out and looked alive. Above, Elle Fanning draped herself in a Gucci cape with a violet appliqué and could have been shipped in from 1964, or 1947, or (sorry) 2001. You could cut an avocado toast with those shoulder pads, a refreshment I regret to inform you was being served at today’s photocall. C’mon, mang.

Advertisement

At least mash the aguacate, homies.

Advertisement

Not all of The Dead Don’t Die stars showed up—where was the RZA? Rosie Perez? Carol Kane?—but these leads were krispy clean. Chloë Sevigny and Adam Driver obscured their dirtbag instincts with simplicity and classic glam. Selena Gomez channeled her namesake Selena Quintanilla in a Louis Vuitton bustier and quilted slit skirt, definitely my favorite carpet look of hers that I can remember. And Tilda Swinton showed as an alien alter ego, like she’s gonna institute world peace from the holodeck. Sublime.

Bold hues are always a good way to go because a lot of people are always wearing “blush” and “white” and tryna look dainty and shit. Thai actor Araya Hargate did that tulle cake-topper gown with a twist of tutu; Indian social media star Farhana Bodi is giving you furry cobalt in an Atelier Zuhra that I love. Julianne Moore, she of simple silhouettes, looks best in this forest green shade. And Senegalese actor/Cannes jury member Maimouna N’Diaye is giving us a truly classic, ‘70s reminiscent turn in beautifully embellished royal purple.

Advertisement

If there’s anything the Met Gala has taught us, it’s that if stairs exist, you gotta give us a dramatic train. Fagun Thakrar, British actor-director-activist, is really not trying to be missed in this super-lush ostrich number.

Advertisement

Alessandra Ambrosio in her fanciest boudoir robe; Eva Longoria in an Alberta Feretti variation on blush, with a little cyborg sprinkled in. French actor Kenza Fortas and Spanish model Nieves Álvarez opted for sparkly shine.

Fuck “French girl style,” agnès b. is giving us French grown-ass woman style. Please remind me when I’m 77 that I need to start wearing formal gloves at all times. Charlotte Gainsbourg, with Javiér Bardem, is a renegade in zebra YSL. Look, do not @ me, I love French singer Yael Naïm’s laidback and breezy gown and braid, plus as a lifelong raver I am a sucker for literally anything with glimmering pearlescent paillettes. (You are talking to a person who found her duvet by spending three hours searching “iridescent” on Amazon.)

Advertisement

Andreea Sasu, Jeremy Meeks (the glow-up!), and Adam Abaida Atarsh look like they are about to dip out the movie and take a night jet to Berghain. I respect it. Probably they can invite Iranian actor Golshifteh Farahni, whose Givenchy couture is truly haute goth. And I’m just gonna go ahead and name French actor/writer Macha Meril my favorite in life. Full caftan, woven pom-pom bag, a cardigan in case it gets cold. It’s the SOUTH OF FRANCE and some of us are on VACATION! Get into it!