Catholic Group So, So Mad About Tom Ford's Cross-Shaped Dick Pendant

In case you have not noticed, The Catholic Establishment freaks out whenever religious iconography is “desecrated,” aka someone else besides them is making money off it. In the latest case, noted homophobes the Catholic League are freaking out because Tom Ford put a dick in the shape of a cross at the end of a necklace. As a result, the Catholic League is making little jokey anti-gay comments to distract its parishioners from the true fact of its mindstate, which is that like many of us, it is completely on Tom Ford’s dick.

Bill Donohue, the Catholic League’s head (and shaft), made a statement in a blog post hilariously titled, “Penis Necklace For Christmas?” (Indeed: “?”) “When we learned of this item,” Donohue wrote, “I said to the staff that I bet this guy Tom Ford is a homosexual. I was right. He even thinks he’s married.” I was not present when Donohue made this nasty little dad joke, but I am imagining that he was doing so while staring at the penis necklace, fascinated, but trying to cover up his interest in grade-A, 24-carat gold dick by muttering things like “SACRILEGE” and “THIS IS BLASPHEMY!” But anyway, it will be a relief to Donohue to know that Tom Ford doesn’t just think he is married, he actually is, legally, to Richard Buckley, and they have been together since 1986. (Booyah!)

Meanwhile, in another fun corner of godly internet, the Christian Post is chronicling the reactions from offended Christians on Twitter who are absolutely scandalized by the depiction of human anatomy, tweeting things like:

For some people, though, it is simply their choice to worship the D, and there should be room for all religious denominations. Isn’t this one of the tenets upon which the great country of America was founded?

And yet, again, much of the disdain for the dick necklace seemed to center on Ford’s sexuality. The Christian Post opened its piece with the sentence, “Flamboyant fashion designer Tom Ford sparked outrage recently following the launch of his new collection of phallic crucifix necklaces.” Not only is “flamboyant” the most obvious, homophobic, coded word for “hey, gay-haters, we got another one,” but also that statement is wholly inaccurate to the point that I am offended on a secondary level, and that is the level of fashion. Tom Ford is known for his clean, sophisticated minimalism! There is literally nothing flamboyant about him! UGH. INTOLERANCE X IGNORANCE X BAD FASHION = STFU XTIAN POST!

Anyway, the Tom Ford dick pendant is $790 at TomFord.com, which is a lot of money, but it’s gold-plated brass and the love you receive from whomever you gift it to is priceless.