There’s a lot of casual evil in the world: people riding two abreast in the bike lane, dentists, people in coach who recline their seat all the way back just when you’re opening your complimentary dime bag of pretzel shavings, and, as of today, people who steal other people’s cats and write gloating missives from the cat’s POV about how much nicer life is in the kidnapper’s lair.
Thanks to some crack reporting from the Daily Mail, we can all ruin our blissful weekends by reading about the tragic tale of one Nigel Stern, a 52-year-old English dude in Cornwall whose cat of three years (and only three legs), Minx, went missing recently. Stern described Minx in heartbreaking terms as his “only companion,” and went about trying to retrieve her by pasting his town with missing cat posters.
In a happier tale, this is the moment in our story when the young girl who’s found Minx and pressed her into compulsory tea party attendance feels her conscience gnawing at her and reluctantly returns Minx to her real home, with a parting promise from Minx’s owner to come and visit anytime. However, this isn’t a happy tale. Someone indeed found Minx, but decided to keep her and mail Stern a letter describing how much happier Minx was in her new home. And in case that isn’t quite icky enough for you, this cat thief wrote the letter from Minx’s point of view:
To all my good friends in Lostwithiel.
Thank you so much for taking care of me when I lived in Lostwithiel.
I liked living in the town and visiting you all. You were so kind and fed me all sorts of treats. I had a bed in lots of the shops and houses.
I made friends with two very nice people who live in the countryside and when they invited me to go and live with them I said 'yes please'.
Even though I didn't show it. I became a little frightened and nervous after my accident and Lostwithiel suddenly seemed a very busy place to me.
I am well, very happy, love living in the countryside and can run up and down the stairs really fast now.
I follow my friends into the bathroom, watch them shower, bounce on their bed and help type things on the computer.
I miss you all, especially my Dad. Please let him know I am ok.
Lots and lots of love to everyone.
Little Three Legs xxxx
You really have to hand it to the English — no other group of people can make the sentiment “fuck you, jerksauce” sound simultaneously so polite and so cruel.