Cartoon Hell Is Preferable to This One

Illustration for article titled Cartoon Hell Is Preferable to This One
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Upon waking the same in election purgatory that we were in at bedtime, Jezebel staffers decided, almost unanimously*, that we would much prefer to be in the synthetic world of Disney than the real one. (“Jezebel Wishes Profoundly We Were at Disney World,” was Jezebel EIC Julianne Escobedo Shepherd’s suggestion for the title of this post.) Even if the world weren’t finding new ways to implode every day and my headache weren’t entering its 15th hour, with no end in sight, this would at least still be true for me. If I had a car, I’d consider buying a bumper sticker that read, “I’d Rather Be at Disney.” I probably wouldn’t, but I’d think about it a lot.

One time I got stuck in Epcot’s Spaceship Earth for about 20 minutes, right around the fall of Rome. I could smell the fake burning the whole time. What I wouldn’t give to get back to that momentary pause, a sort of forced meditation amongst animatronics. Once Stassa Edwards got stuck near the space race section of the same ride for about a half-hour. Jealous!

Since drugs are legal in more states than they were on Monday, in Slack we of course entertained the idea of getting fucked up in a fucked-up place. Imagine hallucinating on top of the hallucinations Disney already provides! Imagine getting totally lost in an uncanny valley and not even needing to consider climbing your way out! Imagine just rolling around, getting grass stains on your brain.

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One attraction many Jez staffers would like to be experiencing right at this very moment is Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, one of Disneyland’s oldest attractions. This is a double fantasy as not only are we not in Disneyland, we couldn’t be: Disneyland has been closed since March. Enter the ride-throughs.

Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride is notable for featuring mostly 2-D characters (seemingly cut and painted panels of wood), as opposed to the animatronics generally featured in Disney dark rides. The ride dates back to Disney’s opening in 1955, though its current iteration opened in 1983. Mr. Toad’s used to exist in the Orlando park, but it was removed in 1998. Stupidly! It’s based on The Wind in the Willows and features a jerky ride through Hell during its climax.

When I suggested we’d rather be in cartoon Hell, Kelly Faircloth responded wisely: “I mean in a sense, aren’t we?” We are. But Toad’s is better.

*Joan Summers via Slack: “Honestly Disney is my personal nightmare.”

Some Pig. Terrific. Radiant. Humble.

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DISCUSSION

JackRabbitSlim323
JackRabbitSlim323

I dislike Disney parks. It’s expensive, and packed with people I don’t want anywhere near my personal space. When our daughter pestered us to go to Disney World, we took her to Cancun (for waayyy less $ than Disney). By the time she was zip lining through a rainforest, ordering her second virgin strawberry daiquiri, and swimming in a cave she forgot Disney existed.