Cardi B, From One Lactose Intolerant Bitch to Another, I Recommend Oat Milk!

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Cardi B got a bedazzled Lactaid bowl. “Bitch, I’m poppington!” the rapper said as she showed off the sparkling beaut on Instagram on Thursday.

Honestly, as soon as I saw it, I realized I’ve never coveted anything so badly in my life. The alternative-milk brand hooked her up because Cardi revealed she’s lactose intolerant and is obsessed with Lactaid.

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As someone who from time to time also experiences unpleasant sensitivity to dairy, I respect it. But after hearing her talk about how drinking whole milk makes her “fucking have diarrhea for three days motherfucking straight,” I wanted to share my own secret to cutting down my lactose consumption: oat milk!

Oat milk is perfect, because it’s the closest in flavor and texture to regular milk of all the alternative milks. My colleague Rich Juzwiak once said that’s because it’s full of sugar, but I’d rather put a splash of something sweet in my coffee than risk it with whole milk. Or any other kind of milk, honestly—I have nothing against vegans but I just don’t believe human stomachs are meant to consume that many products derived from nuts. That’s how I felt anyway, after trying cashew cheesecake one time many years ago.

Oat milk lasts forever—I bought a half-gallon of it in January and that shit doesn’t expire until the end of March. You can’t beat that!

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I’ve heard there’s an oat milk shortage in Brooklyn, but whatever. If you’re Cardi B, you could probably get anything delivered to you in under an hour. Try it, Cardi. Your digestive system will thank you.

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