Tis the season, the only season that matters, the season that Halloween candy finally starts appearing on the shelves. Unfortunately, that also means candy corn has made its foul return, a crumbling and earwax-esque concoction that, like your racist grandparent, you only give a pass because it’s been around for so long.
Unfortunately, candy corn hasn’t been content to fester and die in a CVS bin somewhere in the innermost circles of Hell. Instead, over the past few years, it has been shamelessly infiltrating other, legitimate candies. This aggression is offensive and it cannot stand.
However, like a weak, disgusting, curiously textured army, candy corn’s battle offensives are only intermittently successful. Today, in the spirit of science, the New York-based Jezebel staff purchased both white chocolate candy corn M&Ms and Hershey’s “candy corn creme bars,” which, you will notice, do not even pretend to be white chocolate. Let’s review:
The candy corn M&Ms are... curious. They lack the sturdy, glossy coating of normal M&Ms and thus, M&Ms’ normal structural integrity. When they emerged from music editor Julianne Escobedo Shepherd’s purse, they were already sweating unpleasantly. They flaked immediately in and all over the palm.
Also, they’re just white chocolate. Bite one of them in half and try to tell me different:
That’s white chocolate. That’s all that is. Candy corn my ass.
This ruse fooled no one at Gawker Media: “They’re trying to take me for a fool,” commented Jane-Claire Quigley, our manager of editorial operations. They failed:
Jezebel staff writer Clover Hope — a woefully misguided self-described “candy-corn fan” — also wasn’t impressed. “These aren’t doing it for me,” she commented. There you have it.
The Hershey’s, meanwhile, contain actual and very menacing pieces of candy corn. They lurked under the surface of the tiny bar like fish trapped in an iceberg or carrot chunks submerged in vomit.
The “creme” bar was hideously sweet, a nauseating molar-punch of sugar and vegetable oil.
“This is... waxy?” commented managing editor Erin Gloria Ryan. “It’s cloying. It’s just highly compressed sugar.”
Our assistant editor Ellie Schechet was initially reluctant to try the “creme” bar, but eventually did so with my gentle encouragement:
She did not even eat a whole mini bar. Everyone who tried a Hershey’s threw it away after just a few sad bites. Even I could only eat two of them. That’s because they are disgusting, they are too sweet, if such a thing could exist, and they taste like a crayon that someone poured non-dairy creamer over. They should not be. And if you needed further proof that they’re terrible, senior editor Kate Dries liked them.
“Btw i love this candy corn white chocolate,” she wrote. “Very pro.”
Our national seasonally-themed nightmare is not yet over: M&Ms is also now producing pumpkin spice latte and pecan pie flavors, which, God help us and save us, we will sample when we find them, and report back.